Brains Blow Fuses, Right?

So I'm leaving tomorrow. This is going to be interesting. All I'm really saying is that I hope I don't die and that no one does anything regretable and ackward. I'm still debating whether or not I should bring Twister. So much fun. Such a poor decision.... um, I don't think so.

I should actually be packing right now. My bag is half full. I just know that I'm going to forget something, so what's the use?

I really can't hink right now. Yeah. that's right..... hink. Think right now. Do it! My mind is too much of a jumble from sleepiness. I just keep staring off at random places in space -- just the air -- and then something will finally connect in my brain and *zip* I'm back at it again. My eyes are all wiggly now. They can't focus, so instead to compensate, they just spasm inside of my eye sockets. Yeah. Sexy.

I think I'm gogin to go to bed now. But first some more packing.

But first first: some wisdom:

uh. ok. Let me think here. Shit. I can't do anything other than touch the tip of my nose right now. It's pretty hard; I'm not kidding.

ok:

You shouldn't die if there is something worth living for.
You shouldn't live if there is nothing worth dying for.

Taking care. So same to you too.

Chair 14 -- A Biblical Experience

Considering everything that I had thought about throughout my day yesterday, especially in the evening, I find it strange that the one dream I remembered went back to the desktop wallpaper image that my brother has on his computer. *sigh* It was still pretty exciting. Adventuring through the Middle East and Zion. Hmm.... oddly biblical for not having read the Bible recently (I'm sorry, but Leviticus --- shhiiitt: it's pretty boring). Maybe it's a sign.

I didn't even get to ride a camel. I'm pretty bummed about that. One day I will.

*********

I leave for Mammoth tomorrow. I'm pretty exciting. It'll probably be good for me to get away from the majority of technological communication considering I check my email 1/email 2/facebook/etc./etc./facebook again/AIM/...maybe email once more... compulsively throughout the day. I'm feeling really good a bout this trip; for awhile, I wasn't. But now, I'm so ready, and it truly is going to be fun. Chair 14... oh the beauty. I'm not all that fond of the run, but it is just too pretty to not spend half a day there. And it's worth the hour trip to get from our Lodge to the chair.

I'm ready for some goddamn snowangels, and some good olde fashioned icicle knocking-downage.

I really love snow.

Out of Popular Demand...

It’s CSO reshall on Friday night
Tryin to protect, while riskin their life.
In the streets of Young Dr. and Bellagio,
They patrol the hill. Now here’s da flow:

You gotta give props to the Robert 1,
Family Guy during briefing? Dude, that’s so awesome.
Don’t mess with Steenbock, he’ll fuck you up silly,
Cause when you call in code-6 he’ll say “oh really?”

There’s Armando: he likes to kick it in Summit
He likes to walk with Linda, and you know that she loves it.
Linda’s so lovey with all of the guys,
But not me -- cause I don’t got a chromosome that’s “Y.”

The Alan, oh man, don’t get the bitch pissed,
he’ll make you break you, watch it -- now you’re on the hate list.
Whenever we be headin to the van to roll
He’ll fuckin steal shot-gun before we see the 24s.

Eric: he the true Ferris Bueler,
We battled it out to see who was cooler.
He threw down the paper, thought it would end all nice
But he didn’t see my scissors, so his paper got sliced.

There’s the Flamer, with the hair on his head
He’s always doing escorts to try to take em to bed
He’ll be the craziest guy than you ever met
Ladies always try to hold the gun of the man we call Brett.

We’re CSO reshall, we work for the PD
We’ll catch any fucker that tries to flee
Even though RD’s don’t think we’re swell
We don’t care: fuck ORL.

Banjo a go-go? Oh no-no!

Ahh... Christmas. I time of rejoicing in family and friends.... aaaannnddd PRESENTS! hooray! ( 24 hours of "A Christmas Story" is also pretty entertaining). I'm pretty upset that I didn't bring my banjo. What was I thinking? I didn't bring it because I thought I wouldn't have time to play it, with going to Mammoth and all..... oh but little did I appreciate the few precious moments of holding in my hands and playing it that I could have had. Gah! Why?! I went over to Kristin's house yesterday and her dad randomly has this old banjo that makes me sad because it's falling apart. Well, the resonator is just hanging on by a screw; it looks pathetic really. I played it, and it was gastly out-of-tune, and there is only so much my ear could do, but I played a bit and oh goodness, it was so excellent to hear it again, especially when I haven't even picked it up at UCLA for so long (damn you Finals Week! Never Again!)

But it was nice so far this morning. So far, this holiday season has not been ruined due to a family member opinionating or hitting at each other (may I emphasize the "so far?")

*side note: I hate the fact that all punctuation needs to be inside the quotation marks, because really I am referencing "so far" not "so far?" so really it should be "'so far'?"

too complicated.

Anyways, i'm especually upset about the banjo thing considering that I got this excellent intruction/song book that I've been dying for the publishers to com out with for a year now, and now I have it, and I don't have my godamn banjo. Sheesh.

I think I'm going to quit school and devote my life to one of solitude and banjo mastery. And once a year I shall come out into the open and play, and the world will rejoice. Hmmm... naw.

I think instead I'm going to major in Biology with a minor in Interaction, Language, and Cultural Studies, and then this coming year (maybe starting in the winter quarter) work as an EMT, after 4 years of college take a year off to continue working, then my 6th year go to medical school, and continue schooling for the rest of my life because really I'm terrified to enter the real world. Yes. That sounds about right. But really, the success of this plan is built around the assumption that I'm uh... "smart," so we'll just see how it goes, mm-kay?

I wish I had decided to go to Art School. Man, would my life have been easy or what? Haha. no, not really.

When am I going to have time to travel the world this summer?! Godamnit. I hate learning. That's a lie. Susanne, stop lying. Maybe September. Spring break for sure. Maybe go to Mexico for some Mayan adventuring. Jungles. Pumas! (are they there?... I hope so. How am I ever going to fight one off with my bare hands if they don't live there?). I don't know.

Things shift.
*************
Oh. I saw Andy yesterday. Wow.

Wanta Fanta

Oh dear sweet Jesus. On the day preceding the representative day of your birth, you bestow upon me the miracle of miracles: the discovery of European Orange Fanta.

I was beautiful. I saw it there, as I was about to leave the store of those scary Russians, glissing in the the sunlight. A single beam of light from the heavens shined upon it and in all it's glory I felt the hand of God upon my heart.

Bringing me back to thoughts of Munich, Salzburg, Prague, Vienna... such good times. Such glorious times in which I consumed little more than the occasional sausage and an obscene amount of the wonderful liquid.

It's been 2 long.... very long years.
Give praise to the Lord Almighty for he has not forsaken me in times of hardship!

Cable Lion Car King Gluttony Fog

I went to go see the Broadway version of "Lion King" with Eric. It was nice of him to get the tickets. We both thought it would be weird going with eachother.... but no. It was very nice. Haha. How could I ever hate him? Um, well, I couldn't. That is the correct answer. We went to Ghirardellis afterwords for some Cable Car Gluttony... maybe I should rephrase that as "mile indulgence" just to make myself feel better. Afterwards we harrassed Ryan in the most loving way. It's sad that I never really talk to him during the year. I didn't know he had a little brother of his born just a week ago.

Charles Ernst Squire

Now if that's not a distinguished name I don't know what is. They named him after Charles Darwin. Man that is so cool! haha, I guess his dad wanted to name him Darwin, but that didn't fly with the Mrs. Maybe they shoudl have named him Charles Darwin Squire. That's also cool.

I don't know what I would name my kids one day. Yes, I know people are under the perception that such thoughts occupy the female mind throughout approximately 30% of her life... and yes, that is true... but it's not like I've reached any conclusions here. It really depends on the lat name. There are a few polish names that I enjoy. I just want to name my kid(s)(?) something different enough that it's not generic in the American sense, but not odd enough (or have any funny rhymings) so that their life(ives) are not a living hell throughout grades Birth through Forever.

Hmm... should I even go into the conversation of whether or not I should have children? Haha. Maybe I shouldn't... ok. I really have nothing to bitch about. I just don't know if I'd be good (whatever that means). This conversation will just end in a bunch of contradictions, so it's best not to pursue it at all.

I'm so tired. I need to work. I need energy. That's when I feel the most energy. Man, I love it. I just want to go back, away from so much negative energy that is here and hang out. Hmm... lol. I think I'm going to compulsively facebook for a few minutes. Man, it's so fortunate that people cannot find out how often I look at their profiles. Well, it would only matter for a few people. But still! Lol. Well, maybe it would be good in some ways.

It's very foggy out.

There's that time again

Wow. These last few days have seemed kind of crazy; ok, who am I kidding here? They might have been some of the craziest days of my life... and not necessarily in a good way.

It all started at the stroke of midnight on my birthday... ok. It wasn't that dramatic. It was more like 12:30 am or so. I'm not going to go into the messy details of it (for the sake of it remaining as personal as I can maintain it to be), but the end result was that me and my best friend put a "hold" on our friendship. Blows. I'm really upset about this. At first, I didn't try to understand his reasons; I just got sad, and then I got angry (and I know I wrote him a few harsh words that I didn't mean. I shouldn't be allowed by computers when I'm upset). But now, after thinking it over and talking it over with a couple close friends, I'm beginning to understand. At first I thought it was all over forever and it broke my heart to think that all that I had done to rebuild a relationship with him had gone to waste. All of that made us stronger though, and knowing how strong we are on the inside gives me comfort in knowing that no matter how far apart we are in presence or in words and no matter how hard the other tries to forget, our souls, our beings, our memories will tie us together. He will always be a friend, and when he is ready to return to that role no matter how many years in the future that may be.... I'll still be here.

I understand.

White Crystalline

It was kind of cool when my face had white crystals of salt on it. I almost didn't want to wash it off. But I did. Even though it'll just come back.

3 Hours and 26 minutes into it

Yeah. This is going to be a pretty tough year. Isn't it sad that already, I know that?

The last three hours have been pretty harsh.

What's the score now? Oh. Life- 3, Susanne- 0. Yeah. I think that's it.

Wow. Should I just be waiting for immanent death? It's bound to come at this rate.

I feel like going hang-gliding tomorrow, especially after these last few hours, but I wouldn't have anyone to take pictures of me. I need proof.

My life is so dramatic. If only it was raining today. Man, I know what I would have done.

One Score and Zero Years Ago

Wow. In about 20 minutes I will be 20 years old. Dang. Sometimes life just passes me by. It really doesn't feel like it was that long ago that high school was approching, that UCLA was my destiny, and that well, I am where I am. At some point along the road here, I found myself. I maybe that sounds corney and all, but this is who I am, and I love it. It's not that I don't care; it's that I love it. Which is amazing really. How did that silly little girl grow up to be a silly little girl but only slightly bigger? I'm just fine with never really knowing for sure.

Life is tough. But it's so great. I can't really even imagine it any other way -- easy that is. Something is always a complication, and... ok, I'm not going to emote much further. I just think that being around such excellent people has molded me into the person I am. Thanks you guys! I give YOU a THUMBS UP!

But really. This is kind of frightening. So... I remember my first day of school, and enter high school, and graduating and coming here, and now... now I have more to look forward to. Oh god! Graduate school! I actually have to have a career after college!? What!?

It's more than academics though. In fact, that might be the least of my worries. Friendship and Love --- those are so much more fluctual than anything else, and not only that, but so much more impacting upon my life and general well-being. I've learned a lot, mostly in the realm of patience, but everyday (I'm not kidding here, I mean it when I say "everyday"), something suprises me. A new feeling, and old one, a memory, a glimpse at a future, a new flutter in my heart. And I wonder if it will forever be genuine.

I'm really looking forward to everything. Life is going to be so much fun. I have so much to do! So many hills to climb over, so many things to jump off of, so many ways to hurt myself accidentaly, so many "perfect-timing" moments of irony... I could go on and on.

And though no one reads this... haha... mmm... I like your company.

Take care.



And it follows that I am, because you are:
it follows from ‘you are’, that I am, and we:
and, because of love, you will, I will,
We will, come to be.

Something is missing...

...And I'm not quite sure what. You? :-)

well. I'm smiling.

Well, back here again. Drive was slow from smelLA. Lots of traffic. The uzz. It was a pretty excellent day yesterday when I got back though. I <3 my family though. You know, I ordered a "text book" online (can you see where this is headed?). Anyways, so it's a &187 textbook, and I thought I was geting it bradn new for $12.... but yeah. No. It's one of those godamn supplementary CDS. gah.

Life- 1, Susanne- 0

oh well.

And I forgot everything assoctiated with cleanliness at UCLA.

Life- 2, Susanne- 0

*sigh*

I swear to god, I'm going to get my ass kicked at this.


I'm going to go on that hike today and take lots of pictures. It looks pretty nice out

Back in San Dizzle

Well, back here again. Drive was slow from smelLA. Lots of traffic. The uzz. It was a pretty excellent day yesterday when I got back though. I <3 my family. I had ordered a "textbook" online a week ago (can you tell where this story is going?). Yeah, well, it's a $187 life science textbook, that I found for $12, brand new! Yeah... not really. It was a supplementary CD. godamnit. The thing was, I was really suspicious of it before ordering it, and looked it the product description over... *sigh*.

Life- 1, Susanne- 0

oh well.

And I forgot everything assoctiated with cleanliness at UCLA.

Life- 2, Susanne- 0

*sigh*

I swear to god, I'm going to get my ass kicked at this.


I'm going to go on that hike today and take lots of pictures. It looks pretty nice out.

winter break... come faster. so close.

yeah, well, this is it I guess. I really need school to be over. Tomorrow... oh god, actually today (allnighters screw me up), gonna be bakin' some brownies for the Reshall crew tonight. You know... brownies... haha. fun times.

but seriously, because we're being serious here --- winter break. Yeah. I need that. It's going to feel so good. I just need some time alone, some time with friends, some time with the people I love, and need to get things together. Be away from UCLA and just think about what it is to be away from this place. What it means to be with people again, and what it means for them to go off to their second/third/whatever lives that they have... and mine own too.

All I know, is that I'm going on a hike. I like hikes. They're pretty fun.

the end of a quarter

you know. When I started this, I was all "Man, I'm going to do this everyday! It's going to be awesome!" Well, a month and ahlf later or so, here I am, finally addding something. Today has been an interesting day. And considering no one probably ever reads this I feel inclined to talk about it, but rather... I must admit I'm not willing to take that chance. Where's my personal journal when I need it most? Where's my motivation to continue studying for the final that I have in 6 hours. Ok, that shall return. Hopefully. Maybe?

It's just that today, so many things have happened emotionally. I have no idea where to even begin. All I'm saying is that there are a lot of wonderful people in this world, and it's tough being wonderful too.