Meet the Parents

Did I already write something about meeting Justin's parental units? I don't remember, so I'm just going to write about it anyways, and if I'm just repeating everything... well, so be it.

They were very nice. They were awesome in fact. Yes. I'd say that would sum it up nicely. At first I was so nervous to meet them, but it felt so natural right away. I can only hope I didn't make myself look like too much of an idiot throughout the evening. I had Justin by my side, so I could be observed as relatively normal while next to him at least.

But seriously, this was the day leading up to it:

10:01am: Arrive at Cingular Store to get new phone since my old one was a piece of crap, and we wanted to be the first customers.
10:02am: Realized we were not in fact the first customers
10:07am: Realized that the person being served before us was the largest idiot ever... especially when he whipped out 40 pages of phone bills and proceeded to spend 10minutes debating what text-messaging plan he should get.
11:19am: Get cell phone, Go home
12noon: Supposed to leave from LA. Brother had made a huge deal about leaving on time, still had laundry to do. Told me it would just be a bit.
2:30pm: Who the fuck has 4 loads of laundry to do? I didn't even know he had that many clothes.
2:45pm: Leave.
4:35pm: Arrive in LA.
4:40pm: Try on the nice new sweater that my mom got me for this very occasion so that I wouldn't bring her to shame with my appearances as I so regularly do.
4:41pm: Notice hole in sweater. Frantically look for something clean and nice to wear.
4:50pm: Find shoes to wear. Decide I should wear something nicer than flip-flops, so I get my nicer flats... that have "talking-shoe" syndrome, in which the bottom sole is coming off in the front.
4:52pm: Decide I should attempt to fix my shoe. Look for glue. Decide that Elmer's White Glue is the best adhesive option that I have.
4:54pm: Apply Elmer's Glue.
4:55pm: Realize it was a bad idea.
4:56pm: Justin calls me saying that he and his parents are ready to meet.

*sigh*

Miraculously, the shoes stayed together and I seemed to not come off as too much of an R-tard.

End night. Kind of. Oh, the mints at the restaurant were fabulous. Best restaurant mints ever. Tied everything together nicely.

Computer? *puzzled look*

Today I witnessed something I never thought I would. I had never prepared myself for the moment in which I would meet someone my own age and with (seemingly) similar exposure to reality, who was so... so... painfully computer illiterate.

She did not know how to copy a picture onto a desktop. Further more, she thought that the technique was different depending upon the website.

She didn't understand the concept of an "image search"

She had no idea that keyboard shortcuts existed.

She looked very confused when I said "Hit ctrl 1."

I'm suprised that she has figure out how to turn on her computer.

Seriously, I'm so suprised that she has no real-life skills at all. She's from Riverside, so maybe that explains things a bit. But really, it took all of my strength not to laugh ... which didn't allow me to stop mysefl from crying... I'm pretty sure that there was a small tear.

Oh. And she has no ability to practice independant thought. She just asks a lot of annoying, pointless questions and tries to get you to do the work for her. Smart idea, but she's so blatantly obvious about it, that it's just stupid.

I hate stupid people.

Wetness

Now, I consider myself to be pretty good at making situations awkward, but I may have superceded my god-given talents with this one. So you know the story below? Yeah? The one with Sarah, the girl that I haven't spoken to in a very long time? Yeah, well, I kind of thought the whole thing was such an odd occurence, I just thought it was so funny, that well, I kind of sent her an email telling her about it. And in the email, I mentioned the whole "hi, oops" ... "awkward?" exchange. Is that awkward? Well, if she responds, I'll let you know how it goes.

Speaking of awkward, I'm meeting Justin's parents tomorrow. i'm so excited actually, I just hope that I don't have to go pee all of the time -- that happens when I get excited.... I think I got that quality/curse from Dianne. My mom got me a new sweater so I at least won't look retarded. Hopefully. AHH !! JUDGEMENT !! It's funny, because I was talking with jordan and Bobby about meeting them as we were all driving back to SD and they said that if they were able to accept someone like Justin into their lives, than surely they could find a place in their hearts to accept me as well. Haha. Funny. Hey, at least Justin has the looks. What do I have? Um... uh..... wait for it... quick wit. Yeah. As obviosuly demonstrated here. Maybe a love for sarcasm? Oh god, I have to let this stop now.

As for now, good night. I tried to do my laundry, but the dryer refuses to dry any amount of clothing past "mildly moist," despite the length of time in the dryer itself, so they're hanging off of my chair. Thought that would be a nice touch to this ending.

Oops. Awkward?

I've never felt so oddly disappointed in my life. Or at least recently.

So I knew this girl Sarah Casler. Very very nice girl. I unfortunately have not talked with her for about... let's see, 9 or 10 months now. (I had a very rough falling out with a mutual acquaintance, and thus there was a natural split of sorts that occurs when someone knows the other person longer than I have and was forced to side with said person). Unfortunate indeed.

Anyways, I had her on my AIM buddylist long ago labeled as "Saraaaaaahhhhhhh" so as not to be confused with another "Sarah" or rather she was a "Sara" who lacked an "h" in her name. Got it?

So anyways, today I recieved a message from a "Saraaaaahhhhhh." With a:
Hi
Oops.

I replied:
awkward?
:-)

And thus we continued to have a conversation. Very generalized. Nothing special, although my heartbeat increased a little bit.

So 5 minutes goes by and she uses the word "confuzzled" and at that moment I realize I must be talking to a very different person. She also said she was doing chem.... which confused me even more. In fact, I coincidently was talking to someone with the actual SN "Saraaaaaahhhhhhh," who went to my high school and who I haven't communicated with in the last 2 years, because really, what's the reason? and for some reason, she had my SN and didn't know who is was so clicked it.

This whole time I was so excited. Who believes in hope anymore anyways?

wtf. My life fucking messes with my mind way too much. I'd ask for a break, but I need something to entertain me, and something to write about.

TP'd

I've reached a point where I don't really know how to write most of things that I want to write here. I spend a lot of time trying to figure out how I can mask how I feel, so that people don't really know (even just the few that read this once in awhile). I'm not so sure if I want to hope to get to the point where I can devulge anything that I wish -- maybe some things are meant to be kept within my mind.

I used to have a huge problem sharing my thoughts with anyone, even those close to me. I was so private, that a lot of the troubles I was having were tearing me apart. I guess I just don't want that happening again. Because last time, it took someone to take me by the arm, sit me down, and forcibly tell me that I had to say what was on my mind.

I got some pictures developed today -- f-ing beautiful some of them. There's one I took of Justin and I that is so increibly classic; I can't wait to show him.

So that football game I went to.... yup. So many emotions.

1st half: TP-0 Poway-21 (ouch)
3rd quarter: TP-14 Poway-21 (can we do this)
4th quarter (1 minute left): TP-21 Poway-21
Final: TP-21 Poway-28

Yup. Lost in the last 20sec. Can't say we didn't deserve it. TP was not impressive. They would have been kicked out of CIF in the next game for sure.

Oh well. Another reason to never want to return to highschool.... although UCLA isn't any more encouraging.

100

Well. What can i say? I've gained a few hundred pounds over the last couple days... and still feel godamn sexy! Me and my sexy rolls are going out tonight! Yeah!

i'm going to a highschool football game tonight. I'm actually really excited for it. i'll get to see some friends again, and just chill out.

I just remembered something that i have to do, so got to go now.

TGITG

Back in SD for thanksgiving. I went to the beach this morning to go for a awlk and take some pics. It was so nice; hardly any crowds. When I got to Del Mar, I found parking spot right away and was like, "Wow! this is awesome! So lucky!" But then, when I left and continued up the street there were an unbelievably large amount of spots available. So much for my ego boost.

The beach is really cool. It's the only place were we all do there incredibly meaningless things. i saw this little boy, and he would spend all of his time filling a bucket full of sand, and then taking it to the ocean and dumping it... and then walking back to his parents, fill up his bucket, and do it again. I love it. I love digging holes -- that's definitely my thing.

I'm excited to see some friends this weekend.

yeah yeah

you know-- I'm iskc of you telling her that you love her. I'm sick of amnyeone saying "I love you" Screw you guys. What;s real is unspoken.

iyt's the touch not the words. It's the look not the voice.


My name is susanne/

EXCUSE me?

What American accent do you have? Your Result: North Central   "North Central" is what professional linguists call the Minnesota accent. If you saw "Fargo" you probably didn't think the characters sounded very out of the ordinary. Outsiders probably mistake you for a Canadian a lot.
The West
Boston
The Midland
The Inland North
The Northeast
Philadelphia
The South
What American accent do you have? Take More Quizzes

Mistaken for CANADIAN?
What about "mistaken for MINNESOTAN?" That's WAY more embarrassing.

B L u r

Dreams and reality are blurring together, and recently, I can't say I'm fond of either.

I've been having these horrible dreams. I used to dream about dying a lot, but these aren't like that. And anyways, I completely desensitized myself to my death in my dreams. Instead, I'm running into people, interacting with them. That may not sound horrible, but it really comes down to WHO they are and WHAT the interaction is, doesn't it? I don't like it. So much emotional energy is being pored into my subconscious. Not only is it extremely difficult to emotionally desensitize yourself, but it is simply something I do not want to do. And now, these odd little things are happening in real-life that have significant connection to my dreams. It makes me nervous. It makes me nervous for tonight, when I'm going to go see Cedar Walton. I just want to have a good time, and I will, but on the inside I know I'll be a little anxious. It's no one's fault but my own.

I'm just going to go, and hope that nothing ackward happens, because this is definitely not the time for dreams to come true.

-

There's too much that I can't put into words right now.
But I've reached the other side.

Inverse Reciprical

I'm tired of this. I feel like I'm dealing with the same thing over and over again. I'm investing so much and I feel like i'm just not getting anything back. *sigh* can't say that it hasn't happened before. Haha. It ALWAYS happened. Well, twice before, but that's good/bad enough.

I've been thinking about reciprocity recently. There are some things that you can never get another person to appreciate on the level that you do. Some of us have these immense passions towards something, and you could go on explaining, justifying it to another person... and they would never feel that, because those emotions come from within -- you can't force them.

It's like friendship. You could love, adore, and admire someone with all of your heart, but it's not ever going to make them feel the same way about you. I guess that's were my thought about reciprocity have been stemming from.

I cut off part of my thumb on wednesday (seriously, there is a chunk missing... it was bleeding pretty hard) and it hurts to poke it... but I keep poking it on purpose. I have no idea why.

Sorry about the sidetrack. I have a bit of a headache.

But anyways, poring your heart into something and wanting another to feel the same way? Worth it? I don't know. It sure as hell takes a lot of energy out of you.

9:55am Wake-up

I should be in class right now.

*sigh* I woke up late. Damnit. I hate getting notes from people, because so many take horrible notes. Damnit. Maybe I should just go at this point. Naw, because I would have absolutely no idea what he would be talking about. I'll just read the textbook.

I fell asleep on the bus yesterday and almost missed by stop back into westwood. The bus would hace taken me all the way to Santa Monica... which would not have been pleasant to bike from at night when I was so tired and not in bike clothes.

I was at Starbucks last night studying for chem. I feel really good about the section I went over. Only 3 more sections to review... god this weekend is going to suck, but you gotta do what you gotta do in order not to fail. How do people get in situations where they sleep with the teacher? Why hasn't this opportunity arisen for myself? I WANT MORE As. Meaning.... any As during the actual school year. Seems like the only time I can pull them off is over the summer.

I'm going to go gather my things now. I really really dislike fridays, because I work on fridays, and I really hate working on fridays.

Tell-Tale Sign

You know when all you can do is think about telling someone something, but you can't bring yourself to tell them, so you just keep thinking about it and thinking about it? And then chemistry happens, and you stop for a bit to tend to it. And then you go back to thinking about it but not really doing anything about? Well, more like coming that one 1nm away from doing it and then something stops you.

Yeah. That's me.

I usually stop because you confuse me. Like just now. wtf. I don't think I'm ever going to understand.

I Heart My UCs

A guy at the library had a "stun drive" administered on him because he was stupid ... He made stupid choices. I'm not saying the UCs made the best decision either, but I trust their judgement.

I can't really talk about the issue too much; it's not right considering that I work for the department. What I would like to say however, is that I have never been able to witness first hand how much the media embelishes a story for entertainment/personal agenda until now. Oh, I've hypothesized all of that about stories.... but it is amazing how they've turned this against the officers to the extent that they have. I find it disgusting.

Some points I would like to make, because everyone is still entitled to their opinion, and I like to believe mine is correct -- at least more correct than all but about 10 people (the UCs and CSOs present that evening):

1.) This is not a race issue. Some individuals and some student groups on campus are trying to turn it into one. The subject cried out about the Patriot Act ... and people are going crazy about how Iranians and Muslims are being targeted at Powell.
a.) this was an isolated incident.
b.) report from a present witness that you would not have been able to even tell he was anything but white.
c.) Patriot Act? Come on. I'm certain that the government has better things to do with their time than tap your internet usage and kick you out of a library.
d.) officers do not approach a situation like that. They come and all that they know is that there is an angry guy at the library who is refusing to leave and giving the CSO a very hard time. "Non-crazy" people usually just leave the library -- perhaps a little annoyed, but they leave. At most, you get a pathetic crying girl (i've had that a few times). They do not know if he is armed. They do not know who he is, or where he comes from.

2.) I have always, and always will, hate the Daily Bruin
a.) their writing is HORRIBLE. Especially the sports section. It really makes me want to vomit all over the person next to me reading it.
b.) Except for Sudoku. I still hate the crossword because they reuse words and clues all the time.

3.) The officers' actions were justified, however, maybe unneccessary.
a.) I'll agree on that, but they were acting within the law.
b.) All of these reports about UCs threatening to tase other people are ridiculous. Yes, they did, but at that point they were at risk of being mobbed by a crowd of students. Additionally, people were interfering with an arrest.

4.) That guy was a jack-ass.
a.) Seriously.
b.) I'm pretty sure he deserved it. Especially the last few times when he wouldn't comply.


I could go on about it for a long time, if you'd ever like to talk about it. I had an extensive conversation about it with Bobby yesterday and today with my brother -- both very intelligent people. And today, I told my mom about it, and she just laughed; she thought it was ridiculously funny.

That's why I love my mom.

Life-debt!

I had the best off-duty CA of my life today. Oh, and for those non-departmental people, that's "Citizen Assist."

I was riding my bike up Gayley from Westwood, and was at the intersection of Gayley and Kinross by that diner place that serves breakfast all day. So, this guy comes out of the diner -- transient I'm guessing. Scruffy clothes, missing front teeth holding a very large bottle of liquor. I'm assuming he went inside to get a paper bag, because he was proceeding to put the very large handle in the bag. I'm just watching him at this point, and then he sticks his hand down his pants... like where his crotch is.... and starts digging around down there. Then, he pulls out another huge handle of liquor. I think it might have been tequila. I mean -- it was LARGE. These were like Costco size handles. I'm just stunned.

Then the crosswalk turns "whiteman" and he starts crossing the street... kind of. He kind of just decides to swerve a little into the street. No cars are coming at this point because the light just turned green, so I watch him a little bit until he straightens himself out. I decide to stay close because who knows if the crazy/drunk guy is going to accidently kill himself.

Pretty good intuition on my part, because the street got busy and suddenly he's starting to step into the middle of it without even looking for traffic. I'm on my bike just a few feet away so I hurry on over to him and stop him from getting hit by this delivery truck. The truck zooms by and he looks at me and says, "Why hello pretty lady, how you doin' today?" Haha. He wanted me to buy him lunch. yeah. Right. You're asking me for change when you just spent money on two huge handles of liquor? Haha. I watched him to make sure he made it across the street ok, and then well... life is his doing at that point.

I Swear to God Part II

So not only was I not able to fall asleep last night (I probably fell asleep around 2am or 230am), but I awoke this morning at 745am to the sound of jack-hammering 15 feet away from my window. And then a slight burst of mariachi music. Wtf.

Haha. All I can do is laugh.

I Swear to God

Of course on the only night I've been able to go to bed before 1230am, I can't fall asleep.

Don't you hate life?

Flat Luck

So of course, on my way to Santa Monica to tutor this morning, I got a flat.... haha... just my luck. I wasn't all that far away, and I had left fairly early, so I wasn't too worried about being late. I could walk couple miles.

But then... on the horizon came my savior: uh, what was his name? B...B... Bruce? Yeah, I think that was it.

He gave me a new tube and fixed up my tire. How nice is that? Really, I need to start carrying a tube and a pump with me. Bikers are so nice, it's ridiculous.... at least nice to other bikers. Anyways, I suppose it was some of that good kharma coming back to me. I've been a little too nice to certian people recently. TOO NICE!! NO MORE! Yeah yeah yeah. It was nice to see some reciprication, even if it was from a complete stranger whom I probably won't ever see again.

It's interesting how strangers are nice to each other like that. I think it has something to do with empathy. He said that he's gotten flats without having any way to fix them, and always hoped someone would come by and help him out. Maybe we do nice things when there is no opportunity to receive a favor in return not just because it makes us feel good, but because we have this belief within us that people SHOULD be kind to each other, and through selflessly helping others we seek to alter a societal perception towards giving aid. I don't know. Makes me want to go help people more than I usually do.

Hmmm... I should bring that up with my animal behvaior professor.

Ok. I have to go take a shower after my bike ride. Sweaty.... eww. Plus, I'm damn hungry now.

The Cold is My Fault

Sometimes I'm a little confused. But most of the time, I'm actually confused quite a bit.

There's a lot in this world that I"m trying to understand; I wonder if I'm ever going to get to a point where I just accept things. It would most certainly make some people/situations much easier to deal with. "Deal with" just sounds bad, but I can't seem to find any other substitute.

Perhaps maybe I've just forgotten.

It's a hot chocolate kind of night. Good thing there's some cocoa in the apartment. It's damn cold outside. My toes went numb walking back from studying. I'm convinced it's this cold because I complained about the heat a few days ago.... those days seem so long ago.... really, I just need some new summer clothes to enjoy the heat. It's sad but true that my seasonal preferences are based upon which clothes in my wardrobe I favour the most.

I should have brought my scarf up from home. I left it there on accident. It's ok. I should probably focus on getting a sweater first.

Serious Misinterpretation

I went to the People website to try and find a picture of the fat girl, and to see what hick-state she was from. I read the headline story to be "TOBY MAGUIRE IS DEAD" but really it was "TOBBY MAGUIRE IS A DAD."

I've been doing that lot lately.

Emo Emu

Ok. So it happens. People get emo. And I, being a person have unfortunately given in to this disease. But don't worry too much about me. I'm not listening to Dashboard. I'm not applying dark eyeliner only so that that my tears of emoness become more heavily pronouced. I'm actually feeling better today. I shall thus return to my original view of the world: one filled with hatred and the overall feeling of superiority to pretty much most of the people in this country.

Jay and I thought we found a dead body yesterday. But it wasn't. A part of us was sad.

I've been liking ice cream a LOT lately. Today I had cookies and cream for breakfast. Ok, it was after breakfast, so it was acceptable. Why is dessert so frowned upon for breakfast? It's not like it matters. Especially when I have breakfast at noon, which has been very common recently -- even duringht eschool week when I'm supposed to wake up at 9am for class... yeah, I'm quite horrible at that.

I made myself dinner tonight and just turned on the tv for a bit. I learned a lot about fireflies. Those things are freaking crazy. If we produced that much energy at our size, we would produce enough energy to power a block full of apartments. Also, there was this one firefly that didn't use it's light to attract mates of its own species. A female would lure a male of a different species, capture it, and then eat it. And after eating that one male, it would absorb the chemicals of that male, and take on the same resistence to predators that the male had. I wish I could do that. Too many guys have been hitting on me on the bus. Eww.

I also learned that this 12 year old got liposuction. I learned this from Fox news. Apparently, they think that this is important news. And yes, I was watching Foxnews . I was flipping trhough for just some "news" in general. Anyways, she had weighed 220lbs so got liposuction after "dieting unsuccuessfully since 3 years old." Wtf? They showed this picture of her that I guess is also in People Magazine, and she was pretty skinny.... but you know what? In the interview she was pretyt fat again. I mean, not super fat, but she wasn't keeping it off. And she seemed really concerned about the kids at school liking her, but kept shifting her eyes and saying that the reason was for her health. Oh. And she was also really dumb. Like, she was just one of those people that just sounds stupid. I'm sorry, but she's stupid. I think she was from arkansas or some shit like that.

I played racquet ball today. Theball must have hit me in the face twice.... after I tried to hit it. *sigh*

Good times. Let's see if this site gets bitchy with me when I try to upload a photo....



I am impressed. It's been sucking lately. One more?



This was at Bridget's pumpkin party. I just like the pic. Coolness! I'll be able to actually upload stuff now so that this page isn't one bid block of text! Awesome!

Closed

I'm in that sort of mood again. I hate it. I hate myself. I've seen it before. I'm trying to remember how it was I got out if, and what got me in it in the first place. I think I know why. Hmm.... looking back, it was about a year ago. I was told by someone I cared about that "I embarrassed him." Haha. I just became so uncomfortable being myself. I don't know if this is it. I feel comfortable being myself, but sometimes not WITHIN myself. It's getting difficult.

And just nervousness and exhaustion. I'm really just tired of all of this. Sometimes, I don't know how to say something, and so I just say the first thing that comes to mind... but it's wrong, and it's not what I meant.

I'm doing things wrong; I know that. I'm getting into myself. I'm going to go take a vitamin. Maybe that'll help. let's hope for a placebo effect. hooray for "happy" pills.

All of the same fears are coming out again. And it's funny, because it happened about 2 years ago too. I need to get myself to open up, but i'm having such a hard time. I constantly want to be alone. And when I don't want to be alone, I feel like I'm being needy, since I get the impression that I'm the only one who gets like this. I'm never sure what to think. It's not the same. I knew how things used to go before. I hate this period of uncertainty.

These are my faults. Everyone has them I suppose. I'm still coping with how to deal. I wish I had someone here that I felt comfortable just opening up to. I guess that's my fault for disliking people to easily (I get that from my dad... haha. But we both know that we're almost always correct on our first impression judgements). I think now, a lot of it is about my inability to just open myself up in a conversation. I've hardly ever been able to do that. I'm a closed person, and I've been like that as long as I can remember. When I do open up a bit, I don't like it. I don't like not keeping myself private.

I guess that's just who I am. I just need to deal.

Your Likeness

I've been having this day dream recently. Over and over again it goes through my mind. I keep asking the same question, and I keep getting the answer I wasn't looking for.

I hate it when brains get stuck in a single gear.


I wanted to post photos of some art I did today, but the uploader thing was G-B-ing.

I liked it. Except for the Batman I did. I'm just not cut out to draw superheroes. Really, I think most of it is because I get bored during the shading process.

The Andersons

So. Today, eh?

Well. Woke up, went to class, and succeeded at not falling asleep during lecture for the first time this week. What can I say, I've been exhausted. I don't know. It's more than just midterms. I've had a lot on my mind.

I had Microbio Lab today. It was really fun. Dude, I love that stuff. I suprise myself how interested I am in it. I always imagined it to be hard and boring, when really it's hard and interesting... but I do so well! I'm happy because it's that stuff that important for lab research if I wanted to study some proximate issues. I was always afraid that I'd be in a lab, wanting to expand my research in a certain direction, and would have no idea what's going on or how to do it.

I just came back from work at Anderson. It was a good shift, except for the fact that the projector to the 12 ft tv wasn't working. It wasn't ... well... projecting. So we played foosball. *sigh* I lost the last game. Damnit.

Bobby and I, due to out extreme boredom at Anderson, have decided to start a comic strip about Anderson. Now, one might infer from the previous sentance that the strip would be boring. Anderson however, has subtle hilarity. And well, sometimes not so subtle hilarity. But yet, I would have to say, that the shift can be boring. It has its moments though.

Justin picked up the second half of Brett's Frank 1 shift tonight. Brett said he wasn't feeling well. Whatever, I totally think that he was faking it for one reason or another. Anyways, it's ironic, because Justin always gives me a hard time for picking up peoples' shifts, when he can't ever seem to stop working, and will come in whenever someone says something. He failed to notice that I only pick up shifts for my friends, and with the fact that I only work 5.5. hours a week, I can afford to help out a friend once in awhile. Whatever. He complains once in awhile that he doesn't have time to do classwork. I just don't really want to hear him complain about how he's falling behind in readings or something. As I said: whatever. I have faith that he knows what he's doing.

I've been in some weird moods lately. Maybe it's cause I'm... I don't know where I was going with that sentance; maybe i thought that an explanation would emerge from the bowels of my mind. Maybe it has something to do with the state election and how pretty much everything turned out the way I didn't want it to... at least prop. wise. People are stupid. I hate them. Why don't people like clean energy?! I think it was because Bill Clinton became such an image for it, that those stupid Republicans probably thought it was something to do with helping those besides the people who have lots of money, so they voted against it. "What?! It's help CHILDREN?! Children don't bring home PAYCHECKS!... at least not until I do something about it..." Oh those Repubs... they like their oil....

Something on my desk smells funny, and I'm not sure what.

I haven't been eating all that well recently. I've gotten better starting yesterday. My main problem was being on campus so much and having so little food at the apartment to make anything. In a few days I'll start feeling healthier.

Something that sounds like Chubaca blowing through a conch shell is coming through my window.
How romantic. But hell, who loves a romantic anyways? ...

... yeah ...

Trying So Very Hard

Trying to get through this day. I'm tutoring for the first time today hard core. I'm a little nervous. I really just don't want to look stupid.

At least I feel smart after writing my proposal. It took me a while, but I truly created something quality.

Class now.

Chem 14D... well, technically a C

I got my Chem midterm back today, so I'm trying to not feel too stupid for the rest of my life. I don't get it.... i study and i study and i study.... I do problems, I go to class... what more do you want from me Hardinger?! WHAT?! I even LIKE your class! I stick up for you when people call you a douche! I LIKE YOU! *sigh* Chemistry has never given me any love... oh those memories of AP Chem that still haunt me to this day.... *shiver*

I went to his office today wanting to talk about what I can do. I had to wait around for a while because he was having Office hours for another class of his, so I just sat there, listened, and waited. And then I left. I left because I was thinking, and as I was thinking I thought about what I expected him to say. And in fact, I thought that it might be along the lines of, "Well, given what you just told me, and all the work that you have been doing, you must be just plain stupid." Except he would say it in a funny tone that would make me laugh, not cry. But really, I do everything; what am I supposed to say to him? For him to say back? It's one of those things where I just need to not analyze it and just recognize that oh well, I have to work even harder.

I'm at the Biomed library right now, and I just realized that I'm sitting at a computer labeled "handicap." Am I supposed to be here? I don't really see any difference between the way this computer is set up in comparison to all of the other computers... why do handicap people get their own computers? I don't think that's far. So, if all of the computers are taken, and a guy in a wheelchair comes by, do I need to give up my seat? This isn't the fucking bus, you know. Equal rights, equal you-wait-your-fucking-turn-godamnit-just-like-everyone-else.

That might just be some of the bitterness inside of my poking out.

I'm so tired. This weekend was incredibly unproductive. I was just exhausted after studying for the last two weeks hardcore. Haha.... look how good that did me... :-P
Maybe I shouldn't study so hard. Less stress, same results. Or at least results that wouldn't be that much worse.

Anyways, I have to do a paper-thing tonight, and I'm tired. I'm just gathering up all of the scientific papers that could help me out. I hate everything. All I want it to watch some cartoons and eat a fucking peach and take a nap.

Let's just hope I don't kill myself too badly today. -_-
Ok, I'm not going to kill myself; I don't want people thinking I'm suicidal.... although if it gave me extra time on tests, I might take that label opportunity.

Evilution

I'm coming to terms with that fact that I do horrible things. I do. I'm doing things and I recognize the fact that it's wrong, and I still do it. I do it selfishly. I take something and use it. It's wrong. I'm sorry. It stops. It's just that when you don't allow me to know, I try so hard to find out.

People say I'm a nice person. I am. I'm kind. I'm thoughtful. It's just that I suprise myself sometimes with the things that I think, that I do. I don't really want to talk about it.

Do we change? Am I always going to be like this? I don't want to slip into the same mode.

I'm constantly thinking about everything. So much is going on in my mind right now, and I'm freaking out a little bit. I think I'm complex, but maybe I'm the same simple pattern over and over again.

I try and explain situation outcomes through evolutionary theories. It helps me make sense of things -- but maybe it's really just helping me justify certain actions that I have in response to emotions. And I DO justify them. I do. But then I have this horrible conflict between what I accept as justifiable through a evolutionary sense and what just doesn't make sense in my heart. There's this conflict. Evolutionary time lag maybe. New mediums through which I can express myself.

I've been taking this approach since spring quarter last year. I had a professor.... Jay Phelan.... who wrote a book "Mean Genes," which went off about how we can explain our current behaviors through evolutionary principles. I read part of it. The topic was interesting, but I didn't like the style so much. Too.... everyday person. Sounded childish to me. But it was interesting, and he talked about it in class a bit..... and well, it made sense to me. I'm human.... other people are too. We come from somewhere in the past and things aren't lining up as they should. Anyways, I evaluate my life from the perspective a lot.

It makes more sense than God ever did.... but I think it complicates my life a little bit more.

Slippage

I'm just going to wait for it to accidently slip.

I know it's going to.

Recovering Health

I've put myself into "recovery mode" today. Tuesday I had two midterms, and today I had a 3-hour final. Yeah, a final in fucking week 5. Was it really necessary to have 3 hour exam? Yes. Apparently it was. Oh well, at least it was easy. It was just so l o n g.

It's 1142pm. I think I'll paint something. I refuse to do any work right now. I'm exhausted. I really should just go to bed.

Today I didn't really have anything to talk about. I mean, I could go off forever about Animal Behavior, because it's been my life the last two days, but I don't think I could talk about anything else ... except maybe talking about how I can only talk about animal behavior.

Hopefully I'll be able to catch up on things this weekend.

Oh! I'm going to start tutoring this highschool senior girl-person for her AP Stats class. That'll be a good time. I really want to get some core teaching XP.