WOW

Yesterday afternoon, before I went to Westwood to go study, I decided to stop by Justin's apartment to say hi. A suprise really. I walked through the door, and there was Justin -- on the computer. Nothing that unusual. But it was in fact Bobby's computer.... a PC.... I began to fear that my worst nightmare was to come true. Justin didn't notice me yet, so I walked over where he was playing... and I caught him....

I caught him playing.... World of Warcraft.

I knew it would happen eventually. The other 3 guys in his apartment have been addicted to it for a couple months now. It first started with Jason and Bobby.... and then Adria caved in. I knew that it would only be a matter of time before Justin's weak mind caved in. And with the new expansion pack, his life wasn't going to be any easier.

Justin played a time before.... before he met me. He told me he was addicted to it for 3 months while he was on the free trial membership, and then realized that he didn't want to pay for something knowing that it would suck away his life. Something like that. Maybe he was just cheap. His roomate at the time would be up all night playing it, so I think Justin thought that that wasn't the lifestyle he wanted.

I really just don't want him to be sucked into it to the point where it absorbs all of his time. I seriously don't want to deal with that. I actually talked to him about it, how I don't want him playing for huge periods of time to the point of no return. It sounds silly, but the game really does suck away lives. I mean, it's an incredible game and all, but seriously... there are more important things to life. What? You want to be 80 years old and have the majority of your memories be the quests you went on with your guild? Yeah. I don't think so. I'm sure Justin will just get bored with the game in a month anyways. I threatened him with the fact that the amount of hours played on WOW is directly correlated with the amount of fat you accumulated on the back of your neck. That's the one thing Justin is terrified of -- neck fat. I'll use that to be advantage. I've already grabbed the flesh back there many times, being quite vocal of how I don't remember there being so much back there a few days ago. :-) haha.

Everyone is trying to get me to make a character. I refuse. I'm the last one left. Even Jordan was convinced to create on... named "Moonberry." I refuse! They can't take me alive!

Progress

I sincerely cannot wait until I can stop taking classes that I suck in. ie. general science classes. I'm just BAD at them. Give me an upperdiv anyday.

WAKEUP

Today I got the most wonderful wake-up: a cute poke and the best smile ever.

Daydream

Who doesn't enjoy a good day dream at 2am?

$3 fun

Last night was really fun. I had a nice dinner with Justin and then we went to go see "The Departed" at the $3 movie theatre. The food turned out good, the wine was excellent, and the movie was spectacular. It was nice because we never really go on "dates." A couple weeks ago, we left his apartment to go to Ralph's, and we took Jason's truck. We got in, and started exiting the parking spot, and I said, "Oh! This is so exciting! I love it when you drive, because it make me feel like...like..." and the Justin said, "Like WHAT? Like we're on a DATE, or SOMETHING? Are you saying we never go on DATES?!" (but in that funny, non-abusive relationship sort of way). :-)

So it was nice to leave Westwood and chill somewhere else. I really want to do it more often. Not everyweek or anything.... but you know, every couple weeks or something. 3 weeks, whatever.

Tonight... today... wasn't so fun.
I woke up late. But of course because I stayed up late.... and then I had to study all day for my damn midterm on Monday. I went to Starbucks to hit the books, but they kicked me out after a couple hours to make room for a "cool local band" that was going to play. So I went to Coffee Bean... and DUDE, they are SO EXPENSIVE. I thought STARBUCKS was a rip-off! I had to pay an extra $1.50 for a freakin' CAFE AU LAIT. $3.60 total. Jesus Christ. No wonder nobody ever goes there. Although, I must say that it was more comfortable studying there.

Back to work. Still got about an hour left in me.

Soap-Opera

I took a shower about 20 minutes ago. Just now, my back really started to itch. I realized that I had forgotten to rinse the soap off of my back, and it was not encrusting my skin. Gross. I had to go back in. Gross.

Escort Service

Today I got an escort from Jay and Justin back home. Just like old times. *sigh* Jay wanted to escort me to my bedroom and secure my back door. Justin agreed to wait outside.

Did you know that you have to be a patrolpolice officer for four years before you can apply to be a detective of an investigator? I learned that today. Hooray for being bored and looking at the LAPD website.

Stare-bucks

Haha. Seriously. Can I not go anywhere without a feeling like someone is hitting on me? Ok. That sounds a little arrogant. It actually doesn't happen that frequently, unless you count Mexicans shouting and whistling from pick-up trucks an "experience." This experience at least turned out to be more pleasant than most -- I did get a free coffee out of it.

I go to "my" Starbucks, on the corner of Los Angeles and 1st at least once a week... sometimes twice. I've gotten to know the Baristas there well enough that in most cases, I don't even have to say my drink -- they know it: Tall Vanilla Misto in a Grande cup, Percent milk, two pumps, with extra foam... please and thank you. My favourite one has grown to be this one guy which I thought was gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that (reference, anyone?). Well, as of today that may or may not still be true. He's my favourite because he makes my drink the best. He’s also the friendliest.

Anyways, I went in today and saw him, and said hi. A different guy took my order (see above). Suddenly, I heard a "put it on my comp" over my shoulder, and there's the guy giving me a free drink. Now, I didn't really take this as anything too unusual; for Christ's sake, I go there all the time, it's about time I get a free drink around there! I thanked the guy, my coffee was made, so I grabbed it and left (out the backdopor might I add).

(I would like to take a moment to point out the fact that he is not a creepy old man -- nor is he homeless, which is a nice change from the usual unwelcome advances I receive. He's probably around 24 years old, not really attractive, and just a friendly guy).

Half-way into crossing the street I got a "hi, I'm Mike," and an extended hand to my right. It was him. Mike. And to tell you the truth, I had a feeling it was going to happen, so it didn't really surprise me. We chit-chatted as we walked towards City Hall, just making casual conversation, as my mind frantically went through the multiple, standard scenarios that could happen in the next 5-10 minutes.... maybe he would ask if I had a cute brother, maybe he would trip into oncoming traffic, perhaps he would get arrested for suspicion of gang-related activities, maybe he would tell me I won a prize, maybe I would be transported into the future by a large box... which ever way, I did NOT want this to end poorly -- for Godsake, the man makes the best coffee I can get in LA ... this was no time to be risky.

We got to my last cross-walk. He says "I'm not very good at this sort of thing, but can I give you my number so we can go and get a drink or something?"

Yeah. Immediately, with NO HESITATION, I said, "I have a boyfriend, just to let you know." He said it was ok, because he really actually just wanted a friend to hang out with -- so, he could indeed still be possibly gay, I could be right. Not that there’s anything wrong with that (oooo, reference #2!). I appreciated the valiant effort. And plus, what the hell -- it's nice to have lunch with someone once in awhile while I'm on my work-break. Friends it is then.

I think it's because I'm nice. I'm polite, I smile ... I try not to be evil... and I think that sometimes it comes off as "attraction" to some people. No, I am not attracted to you. Just because I smile doesn't mean I like you. Do people not regularly smile at you, but instead punch you in the face? Is that why you take simple gestures of kindness as something more?

Yeah. I'm interested in only one guy: Justin Bell … and maybe Indiana Jones. But until I get a time machine and abandon the fact that Indiana Jones is a fictional character, Justin is safe. … and we all know that that's not going to happen (at least anytime soon). ☺

FinDMeaning in Dancing

Here's Jay and I. We always take nice pictures together.

Justin and I -- I don't remember why he was glaring at Jay (who took the picture)





I did Dance Marathon. Kind of. I did 16 out of 26 hours of dancing. That was enough for me. I'm not raising any extra money being there, so leave me alone. I raised $309 with the help of some friends and family, when the minimum to dance was $225, so that was nice.

I danced mostly with Lilly, Dianne, Vicky, and Jay... until Justin came at midnight. Yeah. Then it was ALL him, baby. It was nice to finally dance WITH someone rather than next to someone; too bad that I only had to wait 13 hours. It was a good time, but I think I'm going to just morale next year -- pay $20, get a free t-shirt, and dance as long as you want... but most importantly, you don't have to start the dance party at 11am.

Flamers

God, I haven't written for awhile. I apologize. Because I mean, well, I'm sitting here at work bored and I might as well write something up really quickly.

By the previous email, it might seem like my life is in shambles. Haha. No. Hopefully not. Yeah, I got upset. I talked about it with Adarsh and just vented. He's one of the few people I like to talk to when I have a problem. He helped me out a lot. Everything is fine. Justin and I ended up talking about it and it was ok. It is ok. He does in fact make me quite happy ... despite how my e-rage may make everything off to be.

There was actually an article in the NYTimes today about how people are more rude and lewd over emails and text-messages than they would be in person. Here it is. I think whenever I'm angry, and need to correspond with that horrible horrible person, I'm going to put a photo of them in front of me. Maybe it won't be so bad.

FUCK YOU TOO

Fuck Justin.
He fucking has to ditch me for work all of the time. Bobby was right.
He fucking has to pick up every shift because someone asks him.
I can't take it anymore.

Is it too much to just want to see someone, and spend time with someone that you haven't really hung out with for like... 4 days? Really, is it that hard not to be an asshole?

I got dressed up all pretty to go over and see him, too. Well fuck him.
And this weekend i'm going to be dancing until Sunday afternoon for fucking Dance Marathon, and then I'll just want to sleep after that long.
Fuck him.

Seriously. I'm done.

I'm Impressed

Chocobaby

I've put so much effort into keeping up my diet.
Today I look DAMMNNNNN good.
Yeah. You know it.

No more chocolate tonight. I swear to God Susanne, I swear to God.

Valiumtine's Day

Today was V-Day.
I put together what I thought was a pretty nice gift for Justin. I bought him some candy (Pocky: Men's, and some crazy japanese lumber jack candy) and a couple of really nice cigars. He doesn't smoke often, but the cigars I bought will last for a few months, so he should get to them. I made a nice card to. I'm glad I was able to put it all together considering how busy I've been lately. If I don't have school, I'm either commuting, actually working, or sleeping.

Yeah. That's all.
I worked.
He worked.
He, Bobby, and I walked back together.
That's all.

I need to stop putting so much effort into things, because it makes me look like I care way more than apparently is appropriate.
I just need to numb off this day and get ready for tomorrow, since I have to wake up ridiculously/painfully early.

Nerves

I have this very odd nervousness in my chest right now. I don't know where it came from.
Maybe it was the hot chocolate.
Yeah. I'll say that.

Blissful Thinking

Today something miraculous happened on the bus home. Well, besides the almost hitting a car ...

But first, some back story.

I smile. I smile a lot. And you might notice walking around town or school or anywhere, that people do not tend to have a smilel instead, the carry a rather blank look on their face. I suppose that facial muscle flexing isn't really natural to carry around all of the time. But I smile. Thinking about Justin, and about friends, and other good stuff in life (like going to Nicaragua, a good cup of coffee, nice people, and the perfect song for the moment) places this goofy smile on my face. And yes, I know that it looks goofy -- I checked.

As I said, you generally don't see someone with that inner smile on them. But I saw someone today. He was on the bus.

It was as though only by looking at him, sitting there alone, you could tell that he was in love. He would close his eyes, and be somewhere else, with someone else. How do I know it was because he as in love? Well, I suppose that comes down to a bit of a spectulation. But the thing is, when you wear the same smile everyday, it becomes very recognizable.

A Jar

I was a baker unit (bike) at the UCPD for the first time in a long time today. There was an interesting call of a guy punching his girlfriend. We were all trying to find him, but it was a UC that ended up doing so. I got to the scene as they were briefing the guy and girl at separate ends of a stairwell outside. They ended up handcuffing him, and taking him away, all the while with him yelling "help me baby" and other things like that. Dude. She's the one that wanted to press charges... and she's crying. She hates you. Just shut up and get in the car.

I suppose that was the most exciting thing to happen, but the 4 hours went by really fast. I met Justin after his last class and rode with him back to his apartment.

Working today brought out a lot of different emotions (I know, I know, that's lame... damn girly moments). I really enjoy it, and wish that I had stayed to pursue become a supervisor. I didn't though, because I thought that it would jeopardize my chance of staying here over the summer. I had to find something "productive" by my parents' standards to justify myself staying in LA, and to have them pay for it. So yeah. I think if I would have known that they wouldn't pay for it since I was going to live with Justin, I probably would have stuck with it.

Sometimes it feels like I would like it... to be a supervisor that is. But I don't know... it seems like a few of the people that came to that position don't really enjoy it. Granted, I feel like I would. I don't know. I tend to do things for the benefit of other people, or for the benefit of my relationships with those people. I don't like to think that I made the decision because of my parents... what they said to me was merely a suggestion and a different perspective, and by no means an order. But I did it so that I knew I would be able to spend more time with Justin outside of work, and that it would make things less complicated (although I often wonder if it really did reduce the complexity of things). But then again, if I had become a supe I wouldn't have had the opportunity to do the comic -- something that I really enjoy doing. And I wouldn't have had the opportunity to work for the city -- even with how rather mundane it can be, I've learned a lot, and it's been a good time.

I'm just starting to feel these regrets. They came when I asked Justin about something to do with work. It was personal in the sense that it was info for supes only, but when I asked, I just didn't feel that way. After he said that he didn't feel comfortable telling me, then it hit me -- oh yes, that's something not for me... and it feels odd to be in that position, looking over to a side that through a variety of different decisions, I could have been on. I'm still getting used to it really, and unfortunately I think I come off as being rather snoopy. I'm really not like that. I just forget that I'm on the outside of that part of his, and many of my friends' actually, lives.

It's odd, because as satisfied as I am with my position in life right now, it's little moments like that that get me flipped around. I don't regret things. That's not like me. Yet my mind, when encountered with a particular, minute situation, goes through a moment of deep regret. I try not to let it get to me. Would I be happier if I had made a different decision? Maybe. Probably not by much though. And maybe not. Am I happy now? Yes. So what's the big deal?

I think it happened when I had asked Justin if he thought that I had a chance if I applied for supervisor next year. I was looking for an honest answer, and he gave me one: no.

I guess it was just knowing that I closed a door, even if it was by opening another.

Bipolar

Justin an I joke about me being bipolar. He says he likes it because even if I'm sad or angry, he knows that "happiness is just around the corner."

It's weird, because sometimes I think I'm borderline bipolar. I'll be super happy one minute, and then just crash. And the back up again. Oh well. I guess it makes life more of an adventure.

Whatever makes Justin happy. :-)

UnBookmarked

I'm on Justin's computer right now. He just left for work a little while ago, and I'm just hanging out in his apartment. I was going to click a link on his bookmark bar that he has for this blog, but it's not there anymore. I guess he got rid of it. That's probably my fault, and anyway, I'm sure he doesn't have to read what I do, only to have me tell him about it later. I suppose for the sake of maintaining conversation ... and why the hell should he read my depressing, ambiguous entries?

Yeah, looking at the last couple of entries, I've gotten a little emo. I've just been in these weird moods recently where I get really upset. I'm trying to make them go away ... it's nice to write down how I feel, given I don't really have anybody to talk to about how I'm feeling sometimes. Sometimes all of these thoughts come at me at once, and the emotions they foster compound each other. Oh well. I'm pretty much over all of it. I think I just need to funnel then negative energy into drawings or paintings... or even yoga.... those always relax me.

Can't wait to see Justin tonight. I hope I find some alone time with him ... I haven't been able to get that with him for awhile, and I just really need it right now.

.

I feel shitty.
I really do.
I feel sad from the inside.
It hurts.
And I miss you.

Some glad morning when this life is o'er
I'll fly away.

Forward Pass

I'm just so frustrated right now. I'm so tired of it all. It has all become slightly overwhelming. Ok. Very overwhelming. I just want to know my place. Yeah. Good job. Yeah. Cry. Great. This is just great. Maybe I shoudn't be listening to "You are My Sunshine." That song always got to me... since a car ride what seems like so long ago now.

I hate this. I want to go back because I don't feel as hell that I'm moving forward.

I bought limes and everything.

The New Hate

I've decided that I hate people who are adorably, publicly in love.
I have my reasons.

The Animation Show

I saw "The Animation Show" with Dianne and Justin last night. It's been kind of a tradition for Dianne and I... tradition meaning we did it our freshman year, and then this year. The festival was actually cancelled for whatever reason last year, so that didn't count. It was really fun. They had set up a very large screen in Royce Hall, and the cartoons were better than last year's in my opinion (which is a very valuable opinion indeed). When we got inside Royce, Dianne and I headed straight for the merch table. Yeah, we like merch. She bought the DVD boxset of last years festival (the 2nd one) and the 1st Festival. With it, she got a free poster. She could either choose from this year's or last year's and asked me which one she should choose. I said that I couldn't make that decision for her, but that I knew that only 400 copies of last year's poster were ever printed, and I'm sure they printed much more for this year's. She got this year's. Anyways, the merch girls at the table were so impressed by my random trivia knowledge that they gave me last year's poster. I had told them that I had been looking at the website on-and-off again for months debating on whether or not I should buy the damn poster (because it cost $20... it's quite large though), and that they had made me quite happy.

When we sat down Dianne and I were talking about last year's festival, which we had seen at the Nuart Theatre. I guess the audience had simply outgrown that theatre. We talked about how we had met Don Hertzfeldt and this australian guy who did this awesom e claymation and whose name I can't remember....ah yes, I quick google search of "Ward 13" (the title) produced the name "Peter Cornwell." You can see his cartoon here. It was most definitely one of my favourites from last year. And then Dianne started talking about how we saw the movie Primer. There, we had met the guys who made the film and starred in it. She started talking about how cute, how hot, etc. the guys were, and started asking me if I agreed. "Weren't they hot? Yeah, remember the guy with brown hair, how hot he was?" Wtf was she expecting me to say with Justin right next to me? All I could mutter out was a "Well, I don't really remember how they looked like... I guess... they were just like.... standard white guys I guess." And yes, although they were quite attractive, I'm not going to go off about it in front of Justin. Please, some courtesy would be appreciated.

It was kind of sad being in a big venue. The closest we got to Don Hertzfeldt and mike Judge was seeing their face on the screen giving a generalized, and I'm sure slighty scripted, greeting. I felt betrayed. Last year, I could have a conversation with them. Well, not Mike Judge... but he did stand 10 feet away from me! I like small theatres because they are so much more intimate... you kind of lose that in a place like Royce. And I suppose with the growing success of the festival, it'll just mean less contact with artists and higher ticket prices.

The line-up was really good. Nothing that I didn't like. The last film had a heavy british accent attached to it, so it made it difficult to understand at times, but I still ilked the animation.

"Rabbit" by Run Wrake
"City Paradise" by Gaelle Denis
"Everything Will Be Ok" by Don Hertfeldt
"Collision" by Max Hattler
"9" by Shane Acker (A UCLA grad)
"No Room for Gerold" by Daniel Nocke
"Guide Dog" by Bill Pympton
"Eaux Forte" by Remi Chaye
"Overtime" by Oury Atlan
"Game Over" by Pes
"Dreams and Desires" by Joanna Quinn

I would say my favourites would have to be .... Jesus, I liked so many of them. it hard to say. Probably Rabbit, Everything Will Be Ok, and Guidedog. I don't know. They all had something really special about them. It's hard to compare really different types of animation. Anyways, if you have a chance to catch it this year... well, I guess you can just see the cartoon here, so that doesn't really make that much sense, but don't rely on my for next year! See it!

FBQ

So I woke up nice and early for my interview for the Filed Biology Quarter in Nicaragua. My interivew was at 930am, so I got up at 8am. Had breakfast, chilled out, did some studying, and left right at 9am. Before I left I checked my email to everify the interview room. It was 3210. I also wanted to see if I recognized any of the names that were listed during my interivew time. Oh! Angie was there! Neat-o! At 9:30am! Hey, .... wait... where's my name?! Oh no! My interivew is... NOW! FUCK!

So I called the Ecology Dept, and they really didn't seem to care. They just told me to come down and they'd work it out. So I speedwalk my heart down there, and they don't even notice that I'm late. Good start then.

It got better. I walked in, and there was the standard set of introductions between myself and the professors, as well as a lame joke to break any tension: The older professor said, "Well, did you make a doctors appointment?" He was referring to their PhDs, but it confused me slightly.

We sat down, and they said, "Well Susanne, to be honest, we think your application is extremely strong, and w would like you to come to Nicaragua with us."

I thought this was supposed to be an interview. Haha.

The rest of the 20 minutes was us just talking. Sweet. I'm glad they liked me.

So yes, I'm going to the most diverse low-land rainforest in the world for 3 weeks... only 15 people, and the world in front of us.

Dinosaur Bones

On Thursday, I was surrounded by crazy people at the bus stop, coming home from work. There was a man who could not stop saying, "Yo. I knew it was Joe by the way he walked. When I saw that walk, I was like 'I know that walk. That's Joe's walk. Hey, remember when I knew that was Joe, by the way he walked? I know that walk. That's Joes walk. Hey Joe, I knew it was you by your walk. You got that walk. I knew it was you..... etc etc"

And then this woman next to me began laughing histerically. So I moved closer. I don't know why. I wanted to hear her say other crazy things. And then at one point, she yelled, "THE SOUNDS OF A MILLION DINOSAUR BONES CLANKING TOGETHER! I WISH I HAD A RECORDER! OH YOGI, I AM YOUR BEARER!" and then laughed. She laughed at me, and asked if I got it. That's when I moved away. Luckily, the bus came.