Susanimal's House

observation

2008-09-13T00:06:00.000-07:00

It's funny how so many people seem to fit the mold I expect them to.

lotion up

2008-09-08T11:11:00.001-07:00

Worse than being retarded once in awhile, is to be retarded consistently.

For some reason, every time before I cut my nails, I decide to put lotion all over my hands.

This makes clipping nails the most frustrating of experiences, usually resulting in injury.

The worst part is that next time, the same exact thing will happen.

Outlet

2008-09-07T11:20:00.000-07:00

Hmm.

So I'm out of school.
I graduated in June.
Spend my entire summer in Belize.

It's amazing how impossible it is to convey how life-changing an experience like that was.

Now with an unprecedented amount of free time on my hands, maybe I'll come back to writing again. I'm going to try to go back to my original style, where I don't spend my time writing about my mundane life (now quite possibly even more mundane than usual). Haha. Not like anyone reads this, but it's just nice to have an outlet.

life-itis

2008-05-04T22:53:00.000-07:00

now. normally one would be worried about having a case of senoritis in their last quarter of college. But nope. Not me.
I'm done with life. Life as it is. I'm ready for something completely different. You know what? i don't even care. Bring it on!

We all need some chage once in awhile.

And studying for midterms is not looking to be part of that change.

Learning

2008-04-30T23:21:00.001-07:00

I realized why I can't learn recently. Why information passes over my brain, avoiding any contact with thoughts, cognition etc. Why I sit in class and do not process. Why I can't even *think* anymore. Why my mind is blank. Why that blankness is dark. Why my vision is blurred.

L&D.

Things are on my mind even when it's empty.

I think I'm going to get some aderol for this weekend.

The Wonderful Thing About Tigger

2007-12-25T23:13:00.000-08:00

Today was a lovely day. Christmas breakfast in the morning included pouched salmon in vegetable gelatin (the description doesn't do its presentation and deliciousness an justice), some ham, horse-radish, and bread. Then I went to the beach. Isn't San Diego amazing? This has really been one of the best Christmas holidays in years. Everyone was so happy. No one was stressed, nobody was yelling at each other, and nobody got killed by a tiger.

Unlike somebody today. Did you hear about this?

Read the article at CNN.com.

Can you imagine how terrible that would be? I know I transitioned into this subject in a manner that was a little unsensitive, but really... I can't even imagine that. Sitting in a café and seeing a tiger? And then to be attacked?I would just think it to be a dream. What a horrible thing to happen on a holiday which is for spending time with your loved ones.

Oh well. It's too bad that someone got killed, but I think it's just as bad that they killed the tiger. There are less tigers in the world than people, and we got to keep the gene pools strong in in both. For the tiger: we just need as many individuals as possible to diversify the population. For the human: this allows those with adequate escape and/or tiger-fighting skills to survive and pass on those qualities to subsequent generations. Excellent!

But really now, what would you expect a tiger to do? Not take the opportunity to possibly escape its restricted life? It doesn't know that there isn't a place it can go outside of its fenced-off area. If you think about it, more dangerous things are released all the time without too much of a second-thought. Think about how many rapists, child molesters, murders, drug dealers, etc. end up getting out of prison, or who go unconvicted. Those people hurt many more others much more often. But I guess, how are you supposed to restrain a tiger? Can it even be restrained? When it's running around killing people it's difficult to try to tranquilize it. Such a method doesn't always work, and I'm sure that a pissed off animals that has just been who with something would attack the shooter first.

Man. That's crazy. I might have to change my mind about wanting a tiger.

Herring Day

2007-12-24T22:55:00.001-08:00

Tonight was Christmas Eve, which my family celebrates in leu of the regular Christmas Day. To my knowledge, this bares minimal, if any, religious significance given that I am an atheist, my dad thinks religion is for the weak-minded, and my mom just agrees with my dad. Actually, my mom was never really religious, and she's never approved of me hanging out with religious loonies. It was actually a surprise a few years ago when I found out I had never been baptized. We had gone to church when we lived in Canada, so that was a little interesting. Apparently, it's still a little bit of an issue between my mom and grandma.

I'm happy that I was never baptized. I like to think that a person should be able to make these sort of decisions on there own. Otherwise, the least they could do would be to offer some sort of anti-baptismal procedure -- which I don't think they do. I think faith is an extremely personal thing, and in my opinion people can choose to believe in anything they want, but I never fancied the notion of brainwashing children into believing in something. But I guess it's not really brainwashing if you believe it yourself; then it's just called "teaching."

The day was filled with tons of cooking, but yielded very little results quantitatively. When we sat down at the table, my mom and I were surprised at how much work we did with so few items on the table. Essentially, we had only the following:

1.) Bread (which had to be picked up at the bakery in Hillcrest this morning. Me at 8am)
2.) Herring with onions
3.) Pastries filled with mushrooms
4.) Borscht (beet soup)
5.) Potato and vegetable salad
6.) jam-filled cookie things

wow.
Really?

I guess things just take a really long time. Everything is time-consuming. It was way better this year than last, because I helped out with everything. Last year for some reason, my mom did a lot and it was too hard on her. It was actually fun, and when things started to frustrate her, I just stepped in and did it myself and amazed her with my novelty-talent of the moment.

Christmas Eve, to mean, is a way for me to connect culturally with my heritage through food. These are things that I love, and there is a history behind them all. It's simple food, and the most delicious food I've ever had. It's so incredibly important to me to learn how to make all of these things, because really, it's morbid to admit it, but one day there won't be someone to ask how to do it. My mom, dad, and brother are the the only family I have here (and my brother is not really good for anything here). I'm so far away from any other family, so it means a lot to me to be close to them and to connect.

Also. I went to the beach with my mom today. I told Justin this to make him jealous. He just replied that he too went to the beach, but you couldn't really see it... oh snow. I can't wait to go sledding. :-)

fyi: that's not a picture of our actual herring. But it looked very similar. minus the capers I guess. Plus onions and cranberries and lemon. Ours was better. I love herring. Wow, I love herring. When I went to Norway and Finland, I judged the quality of the hotel by the quality and variety of herring served at breakfast. Finland won. For sure.

Party Like It's 1984

2007-12-22T23:18:00.001-08:00

My dad has become increasingly convinced that the government is spying on everyone, and that everyone in the world is selfishly attempting to exploit you or are take advantage of you.

At times, his philosophies have been entertaining, but when they get mentioned a lot over the span of a day or two, it's kind of annoying. There is always a video to watch about how advertisers are evil, the end of privacy, and how there is someone watching you.

Granted, I think the documentaries he recommends would be interesting to watch, but I think that they tend to take things a little too far. Pretty much like any far left or far right propaganda. Because these sort of films are never balanced per se, I always come out of watching them feeling like I believe nothing from the film. When they go too far, they destroy their own credibility.

I'll watch one sometime this weekend. Probably the one about advertising, because I think I'd find more truth in that one. I'm sorry -- but advertisers really are out to find out about you and exploit you -- that's just their very nature.

I am also very tired right now. I've undertaken the massive task of cleaning and organizing my closet. I have only a few stray pieces of clothing to take care of, but those will be dealt with tomorrow. I'd like to read a couple chapters of "The Poisonwood Bible" before bed. It's so good. It got passed from Justin's mom, to Justin, and then to me. But I was already reading the 750 page mass called "The Fountainhead," (and I would love to write about my reactions to the book at objectivism, but that will have to wait) so I passed to book to my roommate Rachel, who plowed through it in a couple of days, and passed it onto me... but I was still digging through the goddamn Fountainhead, so only started reading the book a few days ago. It's great. It's amazing. I need to finish it before I head up to Minnesota so that I can give it back to Justin's mom. Complete the circle, you know.

Bobby Pins

2007-12-22T01:28:00.001-08:00

Saw Bobby today. He was in Rome, and quite a few other places, since August. It was nice seeing him back. I drove all the way down to Chula Vista tonight to go have dinner with him and Jason. I split carne asada fries with Bobby. Anyways, I love going to his house, because the dogs make it such an event for me. I start walking up to the door and his three golden retrievers start a freak-out session. One barking, one licking, another rushing around me or trying to escape throught the door.

Bobby made what I believe to be a great mistake this evening: he told Jason about the upcoming World of Warcraft expansion pack. This caused Jason to prompty re-install WOW and re-activate his account. Goodbye life for him.

Finished up some xmas shopping with Eric today. Old Poon-ed it. Played Wii. Sucked at all the games except bowling. But that still made me feel good. Saw Peter and Scott too. Amazing.

Goodnight.

New Day

2007-12-21T09:58:00.000-08:00

Today is a new day.
Finally.

And you know, every new days begins with a shower.

And off I go.

I think I'll call up some people and hit the sun.

Last One

2007-12-21T00:05:00.000-08:00

Too many things in my room are glowing.

1.) computer "sleep" light (white)
2.) computer "charge" light (orange... will turn to green when charged)
3.) cellphone (because it's plugged in to charge)

I swear to God that this combination is lighting my entire room.

My pillow is also uncomfortable. There is an odd, definite difference in texture compared to my sheets.

I also just have so much on my mind.

I've decided that I really hate birthdays. I don't really like getting wished happy birthday. It's awkward to me. I guess it's because I never really had my own birthday parties when I was younger. It just feels out of place for people to care, and having only one birthday a year does not allot me ample time to practice getting better at it. I don't care for birthdays. It feels odd to celebrate myself when there are still parts of me not worth celebrating. I don't want to be selfless and I don't want to be selfish. I don't want to want. I simply should exist. And do. And feel.

And considering I haven't had a good birthday in years, I'm letting it go. Everything would be so much better if it was just like a normal day. Ok. A thoughtful present is always nice, but not required. I think the think I dislike most is this pressure to "do something." To go out, to have dinner, to make myself feel good. I don't want to have to decide to do things when I would just like to sit and relax, or go for a walk. I feel too much pressure to satisfy other people as a consequence of my own indifference.

To be honest, my favorite part of my birthday was coffee and scrabble, and sitting with my parents on the couch as they started falling asleep.

Ass-paragus

2007-12-20T22:05:00.000-08:00

Well.

It's 2200 hours here. Haha. Seems appropriate, eh?
It's midnight there.

Oh, he is so getting asparagus for christmas. God, he hates asparagus.

Birthday Accomplished

2007-12-20T18:29:00.000-08:00

ok. Come on, Susanne. Last entry on Dec. 11th? This is supposed to be a meager collection of the riveting, the wonderful, the interesting aspects of my sometimes very mundane life. And to think, that things of interest to in fact happen to me?

Such as:
Day 1: Unknowingly being recognized at Undie-Run (in my underwear of course) by the Captain of the UCPD, and having him tell Justin, "hey, I saw your girlfriend at Undie-Run tonight!"
Day 2: Sitting at the desk in my uniform at the police station, and having the Captain walk by saying, "You look different tonight," and giving me that smile and wink that only a man which you know to be incredibly nice, and at which you have fired simunition rounds while pretending to be a terrorist, could be a loud to give.

Also, a lot of things in life have been pissing me off, and a lot of things have been wonderful.

Needless-to-say, I turned 22 tonight. My pact to not eat ice cream over the course of the last 1.5 months was broken promptly at 1230am this morning with a spoon of häagen-dazs pineapple-coconut. Delicious. And again this afternoon with a spoon of Cherry Garcia. Life is grand. Eat well.

Birthday greetings occurred in the following order:
1.) Lety
2.) Bobby
3.) Bryan
4.) Indi
5.) Vicky
6.) Dianne
7.) Kylie
8.) Yuen
9.) Peter
10.) Eric (coffee and swift abandonment)
11.) Jon
12.) John

considering I haven't seen a couple of those people in years and that one KEY person is missing on the list... ahem....

I figure, what the hell?, let's become a lesbian.

People's sexuality can be on any part of a broad spectrum ranging from flaming homosexual to flame-throwing homophob. I'll just push my arrow more to the left.

Anyways, 22. That's old. Eric called me old today, but that's ok, because he's young. I'm automatically considered old to any person who is over a year younger that me. And since he beat me at scrabble, and bought me coffee and a cinnamon bun, he can say whatever the hell he wants.

And my mom just called me old. That's ok. She's older. Like old older.

Tomorrow, I'm gleefully meeting up with Bobby for tacos or mexican food of a similar nature. Considering all Mexican food can be pretty much summed up by the description of "tortilla and stuff" I'm excited.

Ok. Tea-time. It's my birthday, and I'm excited that I don't really care. That all I want to do is relax, eat what I want, drink what I want, and have coffee with a friend. Success. Well, except for that one phone-call I'm awaited. I haven't bought him a Christmas present yet, so I'll determine what I' get him based up how soon (if at all) he calls, and if he's sober. Last year it was 9:30pm (11:30pm his time) and drunk as shit, and I talked mostly to his friends. What did I get him last year? Shit. Hell if I remember. I'll give an update on what his possible gift may be later tonight. ;-)

Retraction of Attraction

2007-12-11T00:28:00.000-08:00

I'm taking a break from writing my biochemistry research paper to make a very important complaint.
About the CoffeeBean.

Remember that "free wireless?" Yeah. I don't know what happened to that. I went there last night only to find that they were charging $10 a day for it again. And I, with my shitty wireless detection capabilities, was surrounded by internet-browsing people who were able to detect the UCLAWAN signal strongly enough. I was just trying to check my email, but after 500 failed attempts to secure a VPN connection for more that 8 seconds, I gave up... and simply tried to do my work.

And then I paid $2 for a tea.

There's another coffee place in westwood that has internet, and you just have to buy something for them to give you the code. I don't mind that. You use their facilities, you take up their space, you ought to buy something. Plus, coffee their is slightly cheaper as it is not a celebrity-infested chain.

I can't wait unti the time whne the entire city is Wireless. For free. Anywhere. I'd be so up for it. That way I wouldn't have to find myself in trendy liquid addiction outlets for a chance at internet freedom.

The Outdoors

2007-12-06T19:18:00.000-08:00

Finals are this coming week. Luckily I have a lot of non-final things to distract me.

I've been inside all day, and my productivity level has dropped significantly. Very very significantly. This is what I get for studying in an apartment rather than going off somewhere into Westwood. I'll have learned my lesson for tomorrow. I'm going to be working tonight as a favor to Justin so he can finish writing his paper. It'll be nice to leave for the outside world a bit, especially now that I have biking pants, so my legs won't be freezing off in the LA air. Oh, it gets cold here. Those of you who live in the "north" don't know what it's like here in the south.

Speaking of cold, my mom told me that Minnesota is headed for a big winter. She seemed to take a bit of pleasure in this fact because I'm heading up there to good olde Minnetonka for New Year's. Just 5 days. That's if I make it there, and make it back too. She likes pointing out the temperature discrepencies between Minnesota and Southern California. I think it helps her feel as though with every degree of seperation in temperature, is a decrease in the chance that I would choose to move there.

I have to admit. It's nice to be able to wear flip-flops and a dress in December. You can't really beat that.

At first, I wasn't sure if I was going to go to Minnesota, but then when I heard my friends' annual Mammoth Trip got canceled due to Eric's Thailand excursion, the choice was much clearer. I hope my dad isn't mad at me for going. He's going to be down in SD over winter break, and while I am going to see him for two weeks, as well as see him when I get back from the MidWest, he hasn't really sent me an email or given me a call since I mentioned it to him. I'm just going to assume that he's very busy and that he thinks I am very busy -- true, true and true.

I was just looking at my Nicaragua photos. God, I can't wait to get back to some sort of forest where there are frogs and birds, and bugs. I miss it so much. I can't wait to go to Belize and be back in that environment, learning, working. I remember Kris saying that her bf visited her in Bolivia for a couple of weeks when she was doing work down there, so I wonder if Justin might be able to come for the last week or so of my trip down there. Or even for a couple in the middle. I guess I'll see what the living situation is like, and where the hell we are exactly, and maybe be able to give him directions to wherever the heck we are. I think he would like it a lot. Plus, he's cute so maybe Kris wouldn't mind. As long as I'm doing my job at night, right? The day is free game.

Oh God. Everyone in my apartment is studying. I feel the guilt poring over me. Must return to my excell spreadsheets.

Women's Stdies

2007-11-29T16:19:00.000-08:00

This next quarter is going to suck. Pretty much, all of my academic mistakes have led up to this quarter: the history class I took that didn't count for anything, the fact that I only took 3 classes this quarter... and so many more.

I'm going to be taking 5 classes. As challenging as that sounds, I have come to believe that 40% of the difficulty comes from find 5 classes that don't have overlapping schedules in both lectures and finals. Alas, I have barely made it. I have a 15 minute overlap between classes every Wednesday. And the worst part is, that that was the best combination I could do. And, it's a women's studies course.

As interesting as it may sound/or not sound, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to enjoy it and/or find it interesting to such a high degree. I'm probably going to be stuck there with a bunch of lesbians (the real ones are never as attractive as the internet-proclaimed ones), and my short (although be it, stylish) haircut is not going to help me out.

Someone Freed the Internets

2007-11-26T20:56:00.000-08:00

hooray! the Coffee Bean in Westwood, that which I frequent so often, has now decide to give free WiFi access. I don't even have to purchase anything! Which is excellent, considering CoffeeBeab, in all it's deliciousness, costs a shit-load of money.

I'm so happy that somebody made this decision. Who the heck pays the 10bucks a day to use ATT or T-Mobile internet at coffee corporations? These places easily make enough profit to have some wifi in their stores. I'm already paying $4 for what is essentially water, and you're making me make every attempt to connect to the weak UCLAWAN signal that somehow makes it from a block away? Please.

And Thank You.

Belize God, Help Me

2007-11-08T13:49:00.000-08:00

The piano is difficult to play. I mean, come on... reading two different sets of staffs? That's impressive.

I'm trying to learn a little bit. I used to play just melodies or simple things from my banjo music, but I actually got a beginner's book from this guy on facebook. It's pretty good. It took so much effort to think about what my left hand is doing, and in the end, after my first hour of practice, I realized that everything works better when you don't think about it, and you just let your hand take on the natural movement.

I'm going to go practice a little bit today. Except first I'll be needing a cup of coffee. Things have been kind of crazy in the last couple of weeks, and I'm still waiting for them to completely settle down. Midterms did not treat me well. In fact, it was the first time that I didn't get an A on an ecology exam. Lame. Haha. It's like, only the 3rd time that I haven't had the top grade. But really -- that exam was stupid, so I'm not worrying about it. Stupid 20 MC questions.

Just as I was beginning to find some more time for myself, I realized that I'm going to have to take 5 classes next quarter. Jesus. How the hell am I going to enjoy life? At least it's only 10 weeks. I'm sure I'll be ok. A couple GEs, a couple econ classes, and that riduloud vertebrate morphology class that I wasn't able to get out of taking. Hell, there's an easier class offered that fullfills the same requirement, but it's only initially open to Marine Majors. I don't want to rely on getting it. Fitting 5 classes (a mix of north and south campus) into my schedule is difficult as it is.

Oh? And the reason I'm doing this to myself instead of taking 4 classes and then taking summer school? My gradstudent friend from Nicaragua suprised me yesterday to go to Belize for 2 months to help her with her research. Starting after finals through middle august (right after the last summer school session starts). Thus, since I can't stay here through the fall... pain. Pain must happen.

But heaven lies just around the corner. Right?

Light My Fires

2007-10-21T15:22:00.000-07:00

I'm in SD for the weekend. It was my dad's birthday yesterday, so we all went out to this awesome restaurant. Name: Laurel's. It on Laurel St (Suprise!) right by balboa park. Super nice.

Anyways, there are all these fires in Southern California that are sort of ruining my plans to breathe outside today. Instead, I am now stuck indoors studying for my biochemistry lab practical on tuesday.

thanks world.

Staring at the PacSun

2007-10-17T20:01:00.000-07:00

So today I had an interview with PacSun (the clothing company) which was held at our career center. I get there, and sit down in the waiting area, and there is this girl all nicely dressed up in a business suit. Freakin' skinny as shit. She had 3 interviews that day -- all with investment banking firms. We make small chat, and some other young people in business suits come by and they all start talking. Now, I dressed up, but first, I don't even own a business suit... and second, PacSun has a casual dresscode, so I thought I'd dress up a bit, but not ridiculously. I was in nice, new jeans, a nice new blouse, and terrible terrible old (but nice looking!) uncomfortable shoes. Which reminds me, I need to throw those aways, because they don't deserve to live.

One guy looks over at me, and asks me who I am interviewing with. I tell him PacSun. He being foreign, of course has no idea of the existence of non-banking firms, so I explain to him the concept behind the store. Then he asks, "are you really interested in retail?"

To which I follow with "kind of, I mean, I'm not super interested in the job position, but we'll see what happens [someone starts walking into the room]... at least it'll be good interview experience." And then I sigh to myself, because I know that the casually dressed gentleman in the stripped polo and jeans is my first of two interviews. And dear god, I hope he didn't hear what I said.

Because it turns out that the interview made me more excited about the position and the company. The two of us hit it off well, and I think I had a good impression. I was interviewed by someone else for the second part of the interview, which I don't really understand the purpose of. The questions were the same, and I was told hta tI could answer the same way if I wanted to. I felt more stupid with her, because I was struggling to come up with new, fresh answers and situations that fit into the question.

I hope it turns out well. This interview probably caused me some scars due to those shoes (I ended up buying fli-flops afterwards because i couldn't walk to class in the sneakers I had brought with me), so I better get some sort of recognition.

There are a few other companies I'm planning on applying to, and UCLA is having a graduate school fair in a couple of weeks, which I will definitely be attending. I know I want to go to grad school, but it's too late to apply for next year really. Plus, I was told by my professors and some cool TA friends of mine in the Ecology department, that the master's and PhD programs are designed for people a couple years after their undergraduate degrees are obtained.

We'll see. Things are moving quickly now.
Isn't one's Senior Year supposed to be a blast? I feel like it's just going to disappear tomorrow.

Cross Words

2007-10-15T21:42:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I get angry at life. But really, it's only been recently that I've felt like it's taken me over a bit. I think it's because I haven't given myself an outlet to express it.

And then I noticed that I haven't written here for a long time.

It's not that I'm turning this into an emo-station. God no. But I find that when I write about anything, it ends up making me feel a whole lot saner.

You know what? I've gotten so good at the school newspaper crossword puzzles. I used to only get a few of the answers; now, I've been jamming them. Jamming. Haven't said that in a long time.

So anyways, I'm back to writing. What have I been doing this whole time?

Trendline

2007-10-14T15:32:00.000-07:00

Don't you just hate it when so many things go wrong during a day... and then you finally start having fun -- only to have what could have been a perfect evening go terribly, terribly wrong?

There seems to be such a trend in my Saturdays. Observe:

And yes, I enjoy making non-academic-related charts in excel, for the purpose of my own entertainment.

then comes marriage

2007-08-16T22:53:00.000-07:00

ok people. what's the deal with eveyone getting married all of the sudden? It seems like everywhere I turn, people are tying the knot. And half of them aren't even done with college yet. It's so weird to me.

I was talking to Vicki about it. We both think it's odd. I guess people choose marriage because they aren't really sure what else to do. How much committment is someone willing to make in terms of either moving in with someone -- possibly to a different city or state -- or to have a long-distance relationship. I'd say most younger couples these days meet at school, and that it just becomes more difficult (although not impossible) to meet people. But people who miss their chance there still have another opportunity when they're 28-30 years old, when a good portion of out-of (or in) -college marriages fall apart. Come on -- it's bound to happen. She thought it was funny when I told her that.

Marriage doesn't freak me out or anything; it's just odd starting to see people do that. I guess the same thing is going to happen once people start getting preggers and start popping out baby heads from their vages. But then again, I've always thought babies were weird.

Glare Into My Eyes.

2007-08-16T01:11:00.000-07:00

It's been kin dof a long day. Justin left for Minnesota this morning. I got up at 6am to drive him to the Flyaway bus that leaves from westwood to LAX at 630am. I think we missed it by a few minutes. He was just going to hang around for the 7am one, but I thought that was kind of stupid so I drove him. It took 20 minutes to get there but 1 hour, 15 minutes to get back. *sigh*. I really hate driving in LA. It's such a pain.

He called me this afternoon when he got ot MN, telling me he forgot his computer charger, and asked me if I could mail it overnight to him. I biked down to the USPS office on campus (because it closed in 30 minutes from that time) to mail it. I was carrying my bike up the couple of flights of stairs to the student union, and there was this girl sitting there at the top of the stairs by the doors. She looked like she was trying to hard to be cool by being arsty, with here short, overly styled, platnium blonde hair, a black bobby pin holdin gher bangs at just the right angle. She gave me the dirtiest look. I have no idea why! Maybe she could read the judgements of here in my mind. She glared at me the entire time I was walking up the stairs with my bike. And then, as I was opening the door, I caught a glance behind me, and saw she was still glaring.

I don't get it. Why do some people have this constant look of being pissed at people on their faces? It's so ugly.
I should have glared back.

Asian Nights

2007-08-13T13:32:00.000-07:00

so last night was the first time my ID was checked at a japanese restaurant. I'm telling myself the reason is because Justin looks younger than 21. Me? I'm good. I look like 40 or something.

Went out for sushi and sake with justin last night. Yum.
Raspberry Mocha Frap? yum.
"The Host," a Korean Sci-fi/monster flick, supposedly really good? Um... could use some improvements. It was the "talk of the 2006 Cannes International Film Festival." Guess they really are a silent bunch up there.

I missed class today. I knew I wouldn't be able to keep up with the 8am schedule all the time. Shit. Whatevs, yo.

Tonight I have to study shit. I have a debate tomorrow concerning whether or not animals are "stuck in time" or can "mentally time travel." Yup. I'm on the negative side of this one. I hate debates. Whatever, I'm just getting it over with.

lock the door next time

2007-08-12T11:00:00.000-07:00

so yesterday night, I got drunk. I'll be honest here. I really wanted to have a good time. I went to a party at my friend vicki's apartment where, for a long time, she was the only one I knew -- and I just wanted to socialize. Meet some new people.

I guess it was mostly because I hadn't drank for a long time. That coupled with the fact that I wanted to drink for the same reason, proved to not be a good combination.

And yes, it resulted in my throwing up.
Which is normal. Well, not entirely *abnormal* at least. It happens.

But what was odd for me was that it was the first time that I ever got sad while drunk. I was so happy the entire evening, and then it was like this mask had been lifted off of me, and I just felt very alone, and very sad. And it became so frustrating when everyone wanted to help me... I was fine. I knew how my body was. I was a little dizzy, but I knew I wasn't going to throw up anymore, and I just wanted everyone to leave me the fuck alone so I could do whatever the hell I wanted to do -- whether that meant staying on the bathroom floor for a bit, the whole night, or cleaning myself up at my pace. But instead, I had to have a group of four people coming asking my if I was ok all the time (yes, I'm the fuck ok. will you go now?), and then Adria came in from down the hall, and then said Justin was coming. And really, and that point, he was the last person I wanted to see.

Everyone just kept badgering me, and I didn't understand why they wouldn't just leave me alone, and I kept telling them to go away, because I just wanted to be left alone, and I remember crying a little, and it was as if all these feelings I've had over the last week just exploded out of me. It was terrible. It was beautiful. It was personal, and why the fuck couldn't people just disappear for 15 minutes?

Maybe people thought I wasn't acting/thinking rationally -- but I was. No matter what state I'm in, my mind is always fine. I can hear everything people are saying, I understand what's going on. My thoughts aren't blurred. Hell, I was speaking clearly too. Why couldn't they just leave me alone? That's all I wanted to be.

Everything just made me realize how much sadness and worry still lives within me.

Now I Understand

2007-08-10T00:01:00.000-07:00

So I fully understand now why so many people hate going to the dentist. To be honest, I've had good dentists over the course of my life, and never really minded a trip -- even after a couple root canals and crowns... but now -- now I know.

First of all -- searching for a dentist. I called a few places... one woman I called freaked out. She answered the phone and became really excited that I called and wanted all my information right away. When I said I was still looking around, she got really upset saying that she "felt like [she] was failing me." No excuse I could give her would get her off the phone with me. She kept saying that celebrities came into the office all the time, and that she was the most convenient for me. She was freaking out! And then she dropped the bombshell -- that she was the only one working the office -- she was the receptionist, dental hygienist, and the dentist. Freaking loony. I had to lie and say that I would call her back in an hour (but she still penciled me in).

SO I finally choose a dentist. I took the bus down Santa Monica Blvd., fearing that the place would be a hole-in-the-wall shit-can place, so I was relieved to see it was at least in a UCLA affiliated medical office building.

When I got there, the receptionist was dressed in a slutty-short mini-dress with high heals, and she told me the dentist was running late on appointments. When I finally go to the dental seat and laye down, the bib was placed on me, but the hygienist came in and told me that the receptionist needed me... so I got up and walked over there (like they couldn't have just *asked* me how to spell me mom's name...)

The dentist was kind of crazy, but at least he had a dental degree from UCLA. He kept calling me every variation of a nickname off of my name possible. Any work that was done (4 fillings and a cleaning -- it's genetic, don't judge me), was done in 4 minute periods of time... and then I would just sit there alone for 15 minutes without any explanation as to what was going on.

When I finally got out of there 2 hours later, I heard a woman screaming from a room behind me yelling about how she was being treated.

It was a very odd time.

Oh. And instead of a simple mouth-numbing, the whole left side of my face was numbed (including behind me ear). It was interesting indeed. I'm not sure if I'll go back here... although they did do a pretty good job as far as I can tell.

8am

2007-08-08T21:37:00.000-07:00

It is not currently 8am, but it will be at some point. And a that time, I will have class... everyday... Monday through Friday. I seriously cannot function that early in the morning and learn about metabolic pathways etc.... especially when most of those days are long with other classes and/or work. It's only the first week of class, and I already feel exhausted. I can't wait unti lthe weekend when I can sleep in. How do people do this when they have jobs? I must admit that I have a certain level of respect for people who have to get up early to do something they hate. At least school is interesting.

signed in

2007-08-05T22:33:00.000-07:00

I'm back. I guess. Back from Nicaragua. Back from Norway, Finland, San Diego, Los Angeles.... wherever the hell I've been over these last months... I'm back. Kind of. I guess I'm here in LA, which never makes me feel the way I do when I go somewhere where I feel "back," but I guess it'll do.

I took the Amtrak from SD to LA today. They overbooked the train, so not everyone had a seat. Luckily, the business class car (who travels business class amtrak anyways?) and they pushed a bunch of people who got on the train last, and thus who couldn't find a seat, to that car. Unfortunately, the selection of said people consisted of people who were already drunk... and myself. Hooray. No really. Hooray! So much entertainment in seeing a whole car of drunk people smoking pot and cigarettes "secretly," all while getting drunker and drunker... and this one fat ugly chick with all these random ass tattoos kept bending over and laughing, jigglying everywhere. I swear, it was like she just got tattoos on whim... like one afternoon she thought, "yeah... pooh... and a SPIDER WEB! AWESOME!" Gross.

Anyways, I'm here. Made it from downtown LA with only 2 creepy young guys and 1 creepy old man making moves on me. Seriously... up until the elevator of Justin's apartment. Hooray.

Out.

To Keep You Going

2007-04-29T23:28:00.000-07:00

Well, my flight got delayed. Instead of taking off right now, I'm preparing for bed. I have to instead be at the airport tomorrow morning at 630am. Blah. Oh well, at least I had the opportunity to spend extra time with Justin, go to dinner, relax a bit, and buy ear plugs. It's apparently very loud in the rainforest.

Here are some cute pics from some time at the pool with Justin, Bobby, and Jordan:

Justin and I

Bobby and Jordan. I really love this picture

This happens a lot.

Holy Shit, Indeed

2007-04-29T17:28:00.000-07:00

Holy Shit.

So I'm leaving for Nicaragua in like 6 hours. Holy Shit. I'm leaving for the airport in two hours. I really can't believe this is happening. I'm going to be in PRESTINE RAINFOREST. With ANIMALS ... and and ... nothing else. Just us, and wildlife, and quiet.... no internet, not phones, no communication. It's going to be so excellent.

I'm going to be there for 3 weeks with 21 other people. Hopefully we all make decent roommates.

I have everything I need: rainproof notebook, passport, money, camera #1, camera #2, camera accessories, and binoculars. What else do I need? Maybe bug repellent and sunscreen. Ok. So bug repellent and sunscreen as well.

Yay! I'm off! A dinner of Gushi's, and then that's it! I'm out of here!

Curfuffle

2007-04-27T01:50:00.000-07:00

Well, my stupidty shines through -- as bright as ever.
Actually, I guess it's not so much my stupidity as it is something that can't really be described by my range of vocabulary.

The evening did not end well for me. It wasn't very pleasent. I feel asleep until 10pm ... dishes ... then sort of waited for Justin to call me like i ask him to/like he said he would after he was done with work. No call. And I also didn't get any work done since I was tired. It turns out that he called me at 1am asking if I wanted to sleep over -- he thought I was the one that was "supposed to call him." He doesn't like it when I call him at work, so I didn't even bother... I just dort of assumed he was ditching me for work.

But you know what, I'm tired of calling. He can use a phone hopefully.

And hopefully tomorrow will be better. Although, having to be on campus at 830am to garden is a rough way to begin a good day.

9 vs. 11

2007-04-26T23:00:00.000-07:00

Question:
Forgotten? ... or Pussy-Whipped by work?

I'm not sure which one would be better.
Daily show! Haven't seen that for awhile.

Lefter

2007-04-24T11:56:00.000-07:00

I'll admit it... left-handed people kind of freak me out. It just seems so *uncomfortable*.

freaks.

States of the Capitals

2007-04-24T01:32:00.000-07:00

I spend a great deal of my time having conversations in my head. I think those inner talks constitute a very large percentage of my total thoughts. Even school stuff -- I think about it as thought I'm talking to someone. I think I do it to feel prepared. If I have to have a confrontation, or be part of some situation in general, chances are, I've already gone through the procedures in my head. It's always easier the second time around.

The second time is easier around, isn't it? Or how about the third? Learning states and capitals last week took less than 10 minutes rather than the hours I must have invested during elementary school. It's a sinch to spit them all out now.

Some other things don't always tend to be easier. In fact, I'd say that with State and Capitals being the only exception, *everything* just gets more complicated in some shape or form.

Why can't life be as easy as geography?

6 more days in the US.

Pantalones

2007-04-23T08:05:00.000-07:00

A week from now I will be in Nicaragua. Crazy shit.
My mom came up yesterday so I could get some rainforest-appropriate clothing for the trip. I found pants in my first try. PANTS. You know how difficult it is for me to find PANTS? Very difficult. Guys have it a lot easier, because your pants actaully are standardized. You can always know the inches in the waist and inseam. You could try a pair of pants on, and at least they will be the right length and circumfrence, even if you don't like the style. Girls need to overcome the first aspect though. Girl pants are not standardized -- I range from an 8-12 depending on the company, style, and if I'm purchasing shorts, a skirt, or pants. It think companies do it because a "10" sounds better than a "31." However, i'm still trying to figure out why the sizes are so arbitrary. I think it has to do with the market niche. At Old Navy, where you see a lot of overweight people shopping, deflates their sizes. I'm a "6" there. FYI: I sure as HELL ain't a six.

Ok. That was a little of a divergence from the original topic, but it seems as though I've run out of time.

She Was a Biker Girl

2007-04-21T18:24:00.000-07:00

I bought a bike today.

oof for my bank account.
yay for having a bike again.

It's still at the shop because I still have to put pedals on it, and I won't be doing that until Monday. It's so beautiful. It's a custom Cannonale, silver, with these blue and green stripes. It's so hot. It's so fine. I can't wait to go riding it. I'm going to go on a bike ride on my own on Monday, and then I'll go on one with Justin on Friday. Justin is jealous because it's a better bike than his. Haha. :)

I'll get a picture of me in my UCLA Cycling gear, along with my bike, on Monday.

Yay! My life can move on!

Injured Pride

2007-04-18T02:56:00.000-07:00

Even though I have way too much to do for tomorrow... still... at 2:43am.... the temptation to write about the mundane has overcome any academic drive that I had early in the evening.

Today was a very busy day. I got up. Volunteered at the botanical gardens -- pruning some elm and loading branches into a truck. Then class. Then more gardening (weeding this time... avoiding tiny spiders... fyi they *love* wet leaf litter). Then more class. Then a rush to get on the bus to Santa Monica to go to REI to buy rainboots. When I got there, I realized they didn't have the rainboots that were online, so I left and walked to an Army Outlet store a few blocks east that someone at REI had told me about (though warned me that he thought they had moved a couple fo days ago). I found it. They had indeed moved. I should have been more trusting of the REI guy considering he told me that he had *watched* them move out of the location. Then I took the bus to Sports Authority... which unfortunately also did not have rainboots. Wtf. Why does not one carry rainboots? Then I went to work. And got home at 10:30pm.

At work I fell of my bike. I'll admit it. I'm pretty stupid. At least no one saw me. I was trying to put on chapstick (oh those parched lips get me everytime) and had let go of the handlebars to recap the chapstick (I was arrogant ... I really could have done it with one hand). Anyways, I guess all of that no-hands practice didn't really pay off when the push came to shove, because the front wheel wobbled, and "oh shit" went through my mind. The chapstick was still in my hands as I tried to grab the handlebars, but it was too late -- I had already face-planted on the concrete, bike entangling my appendages... chapstick roling on the ground -- uncapped still. I picked myself up, and surveyed the damage. Scratches. Lots of large scratch. Not too much blood. Also, tons of black tire marks. How I got so many in a single fall perplexed me, but I try to question these things. All I know, is that I am capable of superceding the typical amount of sustained injury no matter what the activity. Some may even call it a gift. Sure. My problem was that I was daydreaming, and whenever I day dream, I'm ALWAYS rudely awaken by reality.

I'm still healing from paintball. My bruises still kind of hurt when I touch them, which turns out to be more frequently than one would assume. I end up accidently touching or bumping tender parts very frequently. Probably why my bruises last a long time.

Ok. Back to work I suppose. I have company I need to be joining.

An Exchange

2007-04-12T18:58:00.000-07:00

"Hi! You're a CSO! I saw you at Powell the other night!"
"Oh, yeah... um, that was me."
"I'm Jason." [puts out hand]
[shake hands] "Hi, I'm Susanne."
"So, you work there? at Powell?"
"Well, I don't work there a lot. Most CSOs don't enjoy staying up until 2am to work there and kick people out."
"Yeah. And soon Powell with be open 24 hours!"
"Actually, CSOs don't have to stay there overnight. We actually --"
"Hey -- where are you going right now?"
"Um. Here." [At this moment I thank God]
"That's too bad. I was going to walk with you to wherever you were going, but I guess you're already where you're supposed to be."
"Yup. ... Ok. I'm going now."
"See you later!"
"Yup."

I need to start keeping a count of these people.

Smelly Lady

2007-04-11T12:23:00.000-07:00

I'm at the Biomed Library computer station, and all of the computers were full when I got here. This old lady got up, so I took her spot. She smelled really bad. I still feel her incredible stench around me. I'm sitting on the chair she sat on, and I swear to God, I can feel her smell that was absorbed by the chair creeping through my pants. Gross.It's kind of like an old cheese.

SubAttack

2007-04-10T09:14:00.000-07:00

Fuck. It's like my subconscious is attacking me. In a way, I'm enjoying it. It's a break from reality, you know?

The Pretender

2007-04-10T00:27:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to pretend that life isn't frustrating right now.

Oh? Furstrated? Me? Now don't be silly.

I swear to God I've gotten through this day perfectly fine -- as soon as I fall alseep.

Mostly it's her picture, and his words. They make me jealous.

Dr. Monster

2007-04-09T23:44:00.000-07:00

I feel asleep at a coffee shop today... by the front window... only to be awaken by a dashing, young doctor/resident pretending to be a monster.

I'm so fucking serious.

Papier

2007-04-09T12:08:00.000-07:00

All I can think right now is "OMG, why isn't the girl next to me printing double-sided! Why does she HATE THE ENVIRONMENT?!"

Minds Over Their Matter

2007-04-08T23:52:00.000-07:00

I have a lot on my mind. Or more like, a lot of the same thing. Or things.

I feel like I'm constantly striving to understand something that I can never ask questions about; that I'm totally outside of.

And on the one night of the year thus far that I feel like I want to be alone, I can't be. I'm stuck here. And on the one night that I want to either sit here, reflect, and just go to sleep, I'm stuck studying for a test I want to do well on.

Justin asked me tonight if I was sad. I'm not really. I guess I'm just not as happy as I want to be right now, and I just don't want to wait for what I want to hear.

On a different note: I played tennis today, ate some ice cream, and now have crab-and-spinach enchiladas in my refridgerator. It was pretty fun, I have to admit. Even the very serious death threat towards my friend from her neighbor ended up being oddly entertaining. We got a few jokes out of it. I think she might tell the police about that.

Plus, my dreams have been incredibly fucked up. Incredibly. Maybe it was the mushrooms last night.

Deep Pleasure

2007-04-06T00:35:00.000-07:00

Tonight I went over Justin's apartment because Jordan wanted me to meet Rachel, a friend of ours who is also going to be one of our flatmates next year. I came over to realize that Jordan had in fact left after getting upset with Bobby and not wanting to be around him. I was kind of given the responsibility of "making her not grumpy."

I didn't really try to address the problem. I just talked to her online like normal, and invited her to go out for ice cream -- just the two of us. So we went to Ralphs, got ice cream (two delicious kinds). I was so romantic. I swear to god, I would make the cutest boyfriend ever. I brought a spoon with us so that after we bought the ice cream we could eat it in the car and on our way to the apartment. I started heading back to the apartment, and she said "Well, I guess I'll go back to the apartment with you..." like it was her decision, not mine. Cute.

It just goes to show you that ice cream solves a lot of problems. When kids are hurt, you give them ice cream (or a popsicle). When you need something to do on a date, you go for ice cream. If you have cake with out ice cream, you put ice cream on it. It's perfect really.

Jordan's happy again, which is all that concerns me. I've been in moods like that before, and it's hard to get out of it and go back to the group without feeling awkward. I'm glad that ice cream could serve as the deeply pleasurable lubricant for the transition.

Next time, use a spoon Bobby. :-)

Nibble This

2007-04-03T14:29:00.000-07:00

A squirrel nibbled at my back today while I was having lunch in the botanical gardens. It frightened me at first, so I jumped up, freaking the squirrel out. But afterwards, I found it sort of endearing, and came to realize that I blew my only chance to befriend the animals of the forest.

Variation Swimming

2007-03-28T07:22:00.000-07:00

Today, I was swimming around, and wondered, "man, the Olympics have been using the same swimming techniques for AGES." I mean, you have the breast-stroke, back-stroke, regular... reagular? you know what I mean... butterfly, diving. Can't the Olympics committee be a little more imaginative once in while. You know -- mix things up a bit. So many of the other competitive sports have had some new goodness introduced, even if it's just only concerning the ability of the athletes, as in the case of the quadruple axis in figure-skating. Some sport really don't have much to work with in terms of creating something new. Speed-skating is prety much what it will continue to be. Running. I'm not sure what you can do with that. And some new sports have been introduced such as Snowboarding. That's cool.

But swimming -- it seems like there's so much you could work with there. I invented 3 new ways to swim jus this evening. And yo ucould also have a breath holding contest. ... although I suppose Olympics are more likely to be described as a competition rather than a contest.

Still, I hope.

Revelations

2007-03-26T05:46:00.000-07:00

First off... everything on this computer is in Korea, making it sometimes difficult to move about the tubes of the internet in a way that exemplifys the German Efficiency that I have come to admire over the years.

Korea has been cool. We arrived in Busan from Seoul a couple of days ago. Things have been really interesting. Being the only white person you see in a day brings quite a perspective to the world. Here are some things I've learned so far.

1.)Asians are in fact horrible drivers. Imagine a whole country full of them with cars. I understand suddenly why those in America have a bad rap -- because they are in fact really bad drivers. It's not all their own fault really. Here, cars, vespas and motorcycles have priority over pedestrian life. It's frightening.

2.)Koreans love neon lights and Jesus, and take every opportunity to combine the two.

3.)Koreans do NOT care if you are in their path while they are walking. The old man with the cane with BEAT YOUR ASS.

4.)80% of the younger girls here are cuter than me, but don't let Justin know that.

5.)There are no trashcans in Korea. Except in restrooms. But there aren't really restrooms in Korea.

6.)There is an entire world of fashion districts underground. That must be why people are so pale. Everyone is always shopping.

More revelations to come.

Overall, the experience has been great. Only old ladies at the market yelled things at us which my mom and I assumed to be obsenities. Other people have been friendly and helpful in a city where try as one might to learn basic korean (I did on my 13 hours plane ride over here, memorizing a bunch of words, numbers, and conversational fragments), you can never pronouce it correctly and you might as well be speaking french to people.

I'll post one pic

SPRING BREAK WOO!

2007-03-23T00:22:00.000-07:00

I'm leaving for South Korea tomorrow. I have to get up in 4.5 hours to leave for the airport, so i'm going to go to bed now.

But first... I really really dislike flying.
It makes me nervous.
but my mom said that there should be free alcohol, so I'll be fine.

Judgement Day

2007-03-21T17:36:00.000-07:00

I have never recieved so much judgement from a single person within 4 hours.
I must admit, to a certain degree, my mother has impressed me with her ability to criticize/comment on in that "tone" every aspect of my life ranging from my hair to handsoap situation (we won't get into the handsoap situation).

Let me see what I can remember:
1.) Even before she got here, I called her while she was on the freeway to see where she was. I told her that I was going to turn in my essays that are due on Thursday via Justin, since I would be in SD. This was the first judgement.
2.) I opened to door to let her into my building. She looked me up and down, and had a weird look on her face. I let it slide.
3.) Handsoap, The Incident of the
4.) We leave my apartment to head out to the elevator. We don't even make it there and she says something about my hair (the first of many direct hair judgements of the afternoon). This actually caused me to be angry at her for sometime. I went back into my apartment and really didn't do anything with my hair, but when I came out she said that it was much more acceptable.
5.) So, are you still working that police department job?
6.) Commented on how my roommate looks pretty and put together, and then looked at me with a disappointed face.
7.) "Do you like my tank top?" .. reply: "Well, if it was ironed."
8.) A series of comments on how she likes me more if my hair is long
9.) A series of comments on how she wishes my hair had highlights, and insisted that you could still see my dye-job in my hair (which is wrong... it grew out.... I'm officially all-natural)
10.) Oh... yeah teaching is ok.... you should really focus on that economics.
11.) Started picking at my heel with a "what's this?"... it was simply a little red from my shoes. That was the last straw in which I told her to leave me the fuck alone (but in a nice way).

I sweat to God, nothing I do can please that woman.

Not that I'm trying -- oh god no.

Jesus, take me now.

Confessions

2007-03-19T15:04:00.000-07:00

There are people who asked me to watch their laptops.
I'm not. I'm a little too concerned with my own ... concerns. Such as my final. Scratch that. Such as... avoiding studying for my final. Which is in 3 hours. hoorah!

Bobby says that my posts have too much a socialist undertone to them.
I'm pretty sure if my parents thought i was a socialist they would disown me. Those olde former Soviet block people are really against that sort of thing. But apparently they're still for disownenment. (is that a word?)

My (not so) Secret Crush

2007-03-19T13:27:00.000-07:00

Ira Glass.
What a beautiful name.
What a cool person.

I'd love to meet him.

If by chance you don't know who this lovely fellow is please observe the banner to you right -->
That's him. Host of "This American Life," quite possibly one of the best forms of entertainment your ears could ever have the pleasure of experiencing. Go to itunes now, and download some episodes (they're free). I'm in the process of obtaining the last 10 years of the radioshow. That's a lot of listening.

It's a show about people in America. Everyday people with interesting, and completely true stories. And because it's real, it's so completely relatable. The program is so well done ... it's captivating.

They're coming out with a TV show for it. It looks good, but alas, I lack Showtime. I'll just keep listening to my iPod.

I would love to do something like that at UCLA. "This Bruin Life" or something. UCLA Radio always needs people. Hmm.... ideas are brewing.

And Justin? What does he think about all of this crushing?

He has a crush on him too, so I think that makes it ok.

The First of Final

2007-03-18T19:33:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is my first final. Genetics. Can't say I'm really looking forward to it. However, I do find that it has turned into one of those classes that makes a lot more sense upon completion of the course (thankfully... at this point, unfortunately ... at the point of all of the midterms up until now). I was studying last night, and I was getting the feeling that I knew what was going on (which is a good feeling to have two days before the final). Anyways, I suppose I'll do ok on it. Enough to pull off a B in the class, which seems to be the standard for me now-a-days.

Although I tend to do well in Ecology and Environmentalism classes... which I guess is nice seeing as that's what I want to keep studying. My current environmentalism class was going well up until a couple days ago when she assigned us the take-home final. Now, she gave us a take-home final to begin with because she didn't give us enough time to do the in-class midterm (which I did... ahem... very well on.... :-)). So I was safe there at least. The premise of a take-home final intrigued me because I had never had one before. My roommates have had them, and although they were not especially lengthy, the questions tended to be more difficult than for an in-class test.

Yeah. My professor is a fucking nutcase. On Thursday night, she assigns 3 papers, each 8 pages long. Due Tuesday
Holy Shit. I mean, I'm impressed on a certain level with your shear ability to grade that many papers in a week, especially since it took you weeks to return our midterms. We were able to negotiate it until Thursday. I just finished one of them (I'm so sick of agriculture right now) and will do the last two after my last final Tuesday night. I'm going home to SD on Wednesday so that will be kind of annoying because then I have to entrust someone (probably Justin) with the responsibility of turning in the hard copy on time.

Whatever. I'm so tired of writing. My brain is dead, and all I want to do is play WiiPlay. Soooo much fun.

Valerie Plame Needs to Shut Up

2007-03-16T13:39:00.000-07:00

I don't know if you have heard of Valerie Plame. She's been in the news a lot in the last couple of years. She says her identity as an ex-CIA Agent was revealed in 2003 to discredit her husband, a former diplomat, for criticising the Iraq war. No-one has been charged over the leak, but the vice-president's former top aide was convicted of perjury.

Now, I suppose she's upset because she feels like maybe her life, or the life of her family could be in danger. I doubt many people care who she is ... and I'm constantly forgetting about her. But you know, I'm constant re-reminded of her time and time again when she continues the case, and the media covers the story.

So, I'm telling her to shut up about it. Stop reminding people who you are.I'm sure terrorists have bigger things on their minds than orchestrating a kidnapping of your dog or something.

One

2007-03-15T23:00:00.001-07:00

A lot happens in one year. A lot *has* happened in one year. It is truly amazing how in 365 days my life completely changed – and all from a single decision. Recently, I have been thinking about the impact people have on each other’s lives. People say all of the time that they can’t live without a particular person. But life does in fact move on. People die, and life somehow goes on without them. Love is found, lost, and re-found. What does it mean to love, and what does it mean to die? (This is why I can no longer listen to 50% of “This American Life” episodes without being driven to the verge of tears). I’ve been dealing with this issue a lot recently, and though I’d rather not ever think about it, I constantly am, and of course, now I’m writing about – maybe to help me clear up some thoughts.

I don’t want to deal with Death right now, so let’s move onto Love. I’m certain that the first time I bring myself to deal with Death is when someone I know dies. I guess that’s just my style. Anyways, the two aren’t all that different. They involve loss and gain, and the stages of mourning should be co-labeled as the constant characteristic of Love.

For right now though, Love is the real issue at hand. In the last year, I’ve had the opportunity to open a door to an amazing experience. But of course, we all know that a door had to have been closed before hand … a door that for so long, seemed like it could never close.

I know that it sounds silly and dramatic, but I didn’t know if it was possible to feel the same way about someone, yet alone feel more. I didn’t think about Love, or what it meant, anymore beyond the fact that in my experiences it had been deceiving. What else could Love ever be but infinite? I thought that, and I lived that … but in the end, it wasn’t. Well, that’s a partial lie. It remained. … but it changed form … and it left me with hurt, and it left me to hurt. I didn’t want to deal with it anymore.

To be honest, when I got into a relationship with Justin, Love was not on my mind. Actually, that’s another partial lie. I was thinking about how much it sucked, and how much it ruined things, and hurt people … and how easily it drifted and came back, only to drift away once more to find its place elsewhere. It couldn’t be trusted. Instead, I strove to build a relationship upon interests, fun, honesty and affection. I didn’t want to place myself in a position to be hurt, or to hurt, again.

But things changed when I fell in love. Damnit. -- it got me. You know what though? It works. It works because the effort was made in the very beginning to base the bond upon commonalities, not vested interests. It was more like, “Wow. Being with him is *fun*. He actually *likes* doing the things I like to do,” rather than established as a means to fix a problem, or to do something for the reason that it could be done. It was genuine (it still is), and I think that sets it apart from everything that has failed to succeed. It’s because I wasn’t forcing it, hoping that it would change everything. It all just … happened. Naturally. And that’s when I realized that it is not a day to mark progress that matters – it’s everyday from now on. It’s today. And tomorrow. It’s everyday that we’re together, and everyday that we’re apart. They’re all the same, equally beautiful and worthwhile to experience.

I love him. Genuinely. I really, really do. It’s amazing how uniquely exhilarating it all is.

The 1 Year Test

2007-03-14T11:02:00.000-07:00

I'm at the student store right now, and typing on a computer that has the largest screen ever. It's overpowering really. I mean, it would be cool if I was playing a game right now, but I'm typing this and then I'm going to check my email --- a screen the size a TV seems a bit overkill, really.

Tomorrow Justin and I will have been going out for a year. Bobby said I shouldn't remind him because he thinks he'll have forgotten. See, I think that's a bit cruel. I *know* he's forgotten, and I don't really care, but I just wouldn't want him to feel bad when I give him something. He's been really busy lately anyway. He had a paper due and a final today. Sucks.

Anyways, although we both agreed that it would be kind of funny to not tell him, that's just mean. And plus, I refuse to be one of those girlfriends that "tests" their boyfriend I don't feel comfortable knowing that he doesn't know something and then just not telling him.

We're going out for breakfast tomorrow. i like going out for breakfast because it's one of those meals that you really don't go out for. It'll be fun. There's this really cute bakery in Westwood that I'll have him take me. Cute.

Wonderful Dream; Horrendous Reality

2007-03-13T14:32:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a dream I met up with some people at a diner. We were sitting in a booth, and I sat next to this guy I didn't know. It turned out he was Stephen King, and his hand a strong affiliation for my leg. It was uncomfortable, but I thought that I shouldn't say anything so that I could get him to autograph a book for my dad.

The we all went out to this field/meadow. Apparently, I spilled something on one of the guys while we were by a log. I started heading back to the place were other were, but I headed back to the guy upon realizing that he was angry with me. He wasn't really angry. He said I was too likable to be angry with.

Then I was alone on that side of the field. Everyone else had gone back. I went to run but instead... i flew. And it was so nice! I was flying around and everyone thought it was amazing. Then I turned into an actual bird and almost ran into another bird.

And then I woke up and realized I was going to be late for class.

Ice Scream for Sandwiches

2007-03-12T14:45:00.000-07:00

It's really hot today. So, about half-an-hour ago I decided to go out and get myself an ice cream sandwich. Damn, it was good. I remember in elementary school, every couple weeks they would sell ice cream sandwiches for 25 cents. I would buy 4 and just eat them for lunch. That's the School Nutrition Association at its finest.

I had the traditional ice cream sandwich, but the pic of this one seems silly to me. I mean, an ice cream sandwich is silly enough... but really? A sandwich with ice cream?.....please.

LOA

2007-03-12T13:42:00.000-07:00

I told my boss here at the City about my extended leave of absence. She didn't seem too pleased, but I suppose there isn't anything one can do about it... until, as she made cleat to me June 31st, when the new fiscal year begins and it isn't a hassle to hire someone new. The conversation was actually a whole lot nicer that that may seem.

It'll be good though. I'll at least be working here a year by that point, and we'll see if I decide to keep working here. I guess I just need to see what other opportunities come up. Because seriously, I can't stand it here anymore.

fun fun fun. goodbye.

Rubiks Cube Super-Challenge

2007-03-09T01:25:00.000-08:00

It's really just solving the damn thing. I'm trying to figure it out. I'd say I'm about 1/4 of the way there. Jason and Adria taught me the moves to make the first and second layer. It's easy until you forget them.

Insufferable Dependance?

2007-03-06T15:01:00.000-08:00

I was reading the NYTimes last night, and there was this really interesting article.

It's about clinginess -- a word, as indicated by the squiggly red line seen in Microsoft Word, that is not recognized to have any significant meaning by a computer dictionary at the very least. However, it has become an integral part of the disliked relationship. Clinginess is looked down upon, but can simply be a healthy dependence mislabeled as that horrible, ghastly word. I'm not going to go into the discussion in depth, so you're welcome to read the 2 pg. article that's an easy read.

I don't generally describe myself as clingy. But lately, I've begun to view myself in that light. And after reading the article, it made me realize that I'm not in fact clingy at all. I'm just the only one who makes the effort.

I'm the one who makes the phone calls. I'm the one who organizes things. Why is it that I have to play the peacock? Why is it that women in general have to? Women make the largest biological contribution to a contraception (hooray for evolutionary studies kicking in), therefore women should be be choosy. If that boy over there doesn't give me what I want, screw him... because I'm not the one that should feel like I'm competing over him. When did chivalry die? When did all of those men stop competing for the village beauty, and instead somehow convince all the girls to pine over them, to dress up, and to seriously, and unfortunately end up looking like peacocks at times?

... I think it happened when the quality of the male went down. I can look around UCLA, LA, SD... any place I go, and good guys are difficult to come by. They'll either lack some standard form of intelligence, have their collar popped up, be rude, be too short, be too tall, can't make a conversation, indescribably horrendous body odor etc etc. When did this happen? When can a girl suddenly not find anyone worth her while?

Maybe that's what it is. What can seem like clinginess to guys, or even girls, really is the partner's mind freaking out over the fact that they found someone worth their time ... and when it hits them that there isn't an over abundance of good people anymore... they have to hold on.

Or maybe I just want to be swooned over for once. Well, for once in a long time. Swooning takes energy, and I'm a busy girl. And most importantly, I'm coming very close to just "getting over it." What's the point of exerting so much time and energy when it's not being reciprocated by someone who has time and energy (maybe not the energy part, but still)? Or maybe I'm just not getting the message. Maybe I'm missing something here.

The Model CSO

2007-03-06T13:56:00.000-08:00

I really need to get myself to write more. Things are happening, people are annoying, and a great part of the world is going to shit -- words must be written!

I worked baker 2 last night. First night in a long time... probably since the summer. It was a good night. Nothing all that exciting happened from a policing standpoint. One guy up on the reshall crew was calling in some sort of suspicious activities but I think he wanted to be all sneaky about keeping obs on them; he was talking so quietly into the radio... it was so mysterious listening to him. Control didn't like the intrigue. Matt yelled "YOU ARE EXTREMELY LOW VOLUME." It was funny. Jeff was saying how police officers don't even care about being quiet if they are calling something in. They'll yell it if they want.

The Department has been using the same boring photos to advertise the CSO Programs, so we finally convinced them to take new ones. When I came into work last night, Eric told me that a photographer was coming to take pictures of the people on that night. So I got a bunch of pictures taken of me on my bike. It would be funny if I became one of the "faces" of the department, given that I work so little. ... although that'll change after this quarter. Being on the bike was nice. I think I might even sign up for the shift permanently.

When I was visiting Jason and Kaufman, Jordan came and we played Lava Floor. I won. Mostly because I survived and she died in the Lava. Shit happens.

Autumn Leaves

2007-03-01T11:15:00.000-08:00

I found this article to be so entertaining. It's about one man's quest to find Autumn, a desktop image that comes standard with Windows. Here it is. Enjoy.

Circle of (my) Life (in a cubicle)

2007-03-01T09:40:00.000-08:00

I got to work here in Downtown about 10 minutes ago. I plugged myself into my iPod, with my songs on shuffle. The first song was "Circle of Life" from the The Lion King. That was a wake-up song.

WAHHHHHHHH ZABANGAAAAA ALA Titsivava...... ohhhhmmmmm wangaya wangaaaaaya

WAHHHHHHHHH etc etc.

And so my least favourite day of the week begins.

WOW

2007-02-26T13:30:00.000-08:00

Yesterday afternoon, before I went to Westwood to go study, I decided to stop by Justin's apartment to say hi. A suprise really. I walked through the door, and there was Justin -- on the computer. Nothing that unusual. But it was in fact Bobby's computer.... a PC.... I began to fear that my worst nightmare was to come true. Justin didn't notice me yet, so I walked over where he was playing... and I caught him....

I caught him playing.... World of Warcraft.

I knew it would happen eventually. The other 3 guys in his apartment have been addicted to it for a couple months now. It first started with Jason and Bobby.... and then Adria caved in. I knew that it would only be a matter of time before Justin's weak mind caved in. And with the new expansion pack, his life wasn't going to be any easier.

Justin played a time before.... before he met me. He told me he was addicted to it for 3 months while he was on the free trial membership, and then realized that he didn't want to pay for something knowing that it would suck away his life. Something like that. Maybe he was just cheap. His roomate at the time would be up all night playing it, so I think Justin thought that that wasn't the lifestyle he wanted.

I really just don't want him to be sucked into it to the point where it absorbs all of his time. I seriously don't want to deal with that. I actually talked to him about it, how I don't want him playing for huge periods of time to the point of no return. It sounds silly, but the game really does suck away lives. I mean, it's an incredible game and all, but seriously... there are more important things to life. What? You want to be 80 years old and have the majority of your memories be the quests you went on with your guild? Yeah. I don't think so. I'm sure Justin will just get bored with the game in a month anyways. I threatened him with the fact that the amount of hours played on WOW is directly correlated with the amount of fat you accumulated on the back of your neck. That's the one thing Justin is terrified of -- neck fat. I'll use that to be advantage. I've already grabbed the flesh back there many times, being quite vocal of how I don't remember there being so much back there a few days ago. :-) haha.

Everyone is trying to get me to make a character. I refuse. I'm the last one left. Even Jordan was convinced to create on... named "Moonberry." I refuse! They can't take me alive!

Progress

2007-02-26T10:36:00.000-08:00

I sincerely cannot wait until I can stop taking classes that I suck in. ie. general science classes. I'm just BAD at them. Give me an upperdiv anyday.

WAKEUP

2007-02-26T10:34:00.000-08:00

Today I got the most wonderful wake-up: a cute poke and the best smile ever.

Daydream

2007-02-25T02:01:00.001-08:00

Who doesn't enjoy a good day dream at 2am?

$3 fun

2007-02-25T01:07:00.000-08:00

Last night was really fun. I had a nice dinner with Justin and then we went to go see "The Departed" at the $3 movie theatre. The food turned out good, the wine was excellent, and the movie was spectacular. It was nice because we never really go on "dates." A couple weeks ago, we left his apartment to go to Ralph's, and we took Jason's truck. We got in, and started exiting the parking spot, and I said, "Oh! This is so exciting! I love it when you drive, because it make me feel like...like..." and the Justin said, "Like WHAT? Like we're on a DATE, or SOMETHING? Are you saying we never go on DATES?!" (but in that funny, non-abusive relationship sort of way). :-)

So it was nice to leave Westwood and chill somewhere else. I really want to do it more often. Not everyweek or anything.... but you know, every couple weeks or something. 3 weeks, whatever.

Tonight... today... wasn't so fun.
I woke up late. But of course because I stayed up late.... and then I had to study all day for my damn midterm on Monday. I went to Starbucks to hit the books, but they kicked me out after a couple hours to make room for a "cool local band" that was going to play. So I went to Coffee Bean... and DUDE, they are SO EXPENSIVE. I thought STARBUCKS was a rip-off! I had to pay an extra $1.50 for a freakin' CAFE AU LAIT. $3.60 total. Jesus Christ. No wonder nobody ever goes there. Although, I must say that it was more comfortable studying there.

Back to work. Still got about an hour left in me.

Soap-Opera

2007-02-22T01:01:00.000-08:00

I took a shower about 20 minutes ago. Just now, my back really started to itch. I realized that I had forgotten to rinse the soap off of my back, and it was not encrusting my skin. Gross. I had to go back in. Gross.

Escort Service

2007-02-20T23:32:00.000-08:00

Today I got an escort from Jay and Justin back home. Just like old times. *sigh* Jay wanted to escort me to my bedroom and secure my back door. Justin agreed to wait outside.

Did you know that you have to be a patrolpolice officer for four years before you can apply to be a detective of an investigator? I learned that today. Hooray for being bored and looking at the LAPD website.

Stare-bucks

2007-02-20T23:20:00.000-08:00

Haha. Seriously. Can I not go anywhere without a feeling like someone is hitting on me? Ok. That sounds a little arrogant. It actually doesn't happen that frequently, unless you count Mexicans shouting and whistling from pick-up trucks an "experience." This experience at least turned out to be more pleasant than most -- I did get a free coffee out of it.

I go to "my" Starbucks, on the corner of Los Angeles and 1st at least once a week... sometimes twice. I've gotten to know the Baristas there well enough that in most cases, I don't even have to say my drink -- they know it: Tall Vanilla Misto in a Grande cup, Percent milk, two pumps, with extra foam... please and thank you. My favourite one has grown to be this one guy which I thought was gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that (reference, anyone?). Well, as of today that may or may not still be true. He's my favourite because he makes my drink the best. He’s also the friendliest.

Anyways, I went in today and saw him, and said hi. A different guy took my order (see above). Suddenly, I heard a "put it on my comp" over my shoulder, and there's the guy giving me a free drink. Now, I didn't really take this as anything too unusual; for Christ's sake, I go there all the time, it's about time I get a free drink around there! I thanked the guy, my coffee was made, so I grabbed it and left (out the backdopor might I add).

(I would like to take a moment to point out the fact that he is not a creepy old man -- nor is he homeless, which is a nice change from the usual unwelcome advances I receive. He's probably around 24 years old, not really attractive, and just a friendly guy).

Half-way into crossing the street I got a "hi, I'm Mike," and an extended hand to my right. It was him. Mike. And to tell you the truth, I had a feeling it was going to happen, so it didn't really surprise me. We chit-chatted as we walked towards City Hall, just making casual conversation, as my mind frantically went through the multiple, standard scenarios that could happen in the next 5-10 minutes.... maybe he would ask if I had a cute brother, maybe he would trip into oncoming traffic, perhaps he would get arrested for suspicion of gang-related activities, maybe he would tell me I won a prize, maybe I would be transported into the future by a large box... which ever way, I did NOT want this to end poorly -- for Godsake, the man makes the best coffee I can get in LA ... this was no time to be risky.

We got to my last cross-walk. He says "I'm not very good at this sort of thing, but can I give you my number so we can go and get a drink or something?"

Yeah. Immediately, with NO HESITATION, I said, "I have a boyfriend, just to let you know." He said it was ok, because he really actually just wanted a friend to hang out with -- so, he could indeed still be possibly gay, I could be right. Not that there’s anything wrong with that (oooo, reference #2!). I appreciated the valiant effort. And plus, what the hell -- it's nice to have lunch with someone once in awhile while I'm on my work-break. Friends it is then.

I think it's because I'm nice. I'm polite, I smile ... I try not to be evil... and I think that sometimes it comes off as "attraction" to some people. No, I am not attracted to you. Just because I smile doesn't mean I like you. Do people not regularly smile at you, but instead punch you in the face? Is that why you take simple gestures of kindness as something more?

Yeah. I'm interested in only one guy: Justin Bell … and maybe Indiana Jones. But until I get a time machine and abandon the fact that Indiana Jones is a fictional character, Justin is safe. … and we all know that that's not going to happen (at least anytime soon). ☺

FinDMeaning in Dancing

2007-02-20T16:00:00.000-08:00

Here's Jay and I. We always take nice pictures together.

Justin and I -- I don't remember why he was glaring at Jay (who took the picture)

I did Dance Marathon. Kind of. I did 16 out of 26 hours of dancing. That was enough for me. I'm not raising any extra money being there, so leave me alone. I raised $309 with the help of some friends and family, when the minimum to dance was $225, so that was nice.

I danced mostly with Lilly, Dianne, Vicky, and Jay... until Justin came at midnight. Yeah. Then it was ALL him, baby. It was nice to finally dance WITH someone rather than next to someone; too bad that I only had to wait 13 hours. It was a good time, but I think I'm going to just morale next year -- pay $20, get a free t-shirt, and dance as long as you want... but most importantly, you don't have to start the dance party at 11am.

Flamers

2007-02-20T15:51:00.000-08:00

God, I haven't written for awhile. I apologize. Because I mean, well, I'm sitting here at work bored and I might as well write something up really quickly.

By the previous email, it might seem like my life is in shambles. Haha. No. Hopefully not. Yeah, I got upset. I talked about it with Adarsh and just vented. He's one of the few people I like to talk to when I have a problem. He helped me out a lot. Everything is fine. Justin and I ended up talking about it and it was ok. It is ok. He does in fact make me quite happy ... despite how my e-rage may make everything off to be.

There was actually an article in the NYTimes today about how people are more rude and lewd over emails and text-messages than they would be in person. Here it is. I think whenever I'm angry, and need to correspond with that horrible horrible person, I'm going to put a photo of them in front of me. Maybe it won't be so bad.

FUCK YOU TOO

2007-02-16T17:17:00.000-08:00

Fuck Justin.
He fucking has to ditch me for work all of the time. Bobby was right.
He fucking has to pick up every shift because someone asks him.
I can't take it anymore.

Is it too much to just want to see someone, and spend time with someone that you haven't really hung out with for like... 4 days? Really, is it that hard not to be an asshole?

I got dressed up all pretty to go over and see him, too. Well fuck him.
And this weekend i'm going to be dancing until Sunday afternoon for fucking Dance Marathon, and then I'll just want to sleep after that long.
Fuck him.

Seriously. I'm done.

I'm Impressed

2007-02-15T23:01:00.001-08:00

Chocobaby

2007-02-15T22:38:00.000-08:00

I've put so much effort into keeping up my diet.
Today I look DAMMNNNNN good.
Yeah. You know it.

No more chocolate tonight. I swear to God Susanne, I swear to God.

Valiumtine's Day

2007-02-15T01:05:00.000-08:00

Today was V-Day.
I put together what I thought was a pretty nice gift for Justin. I bought him some candy (Pocky: Men's, and some crazy japanese lumber jack candy) and a couple of really nice cigars. He doesn't smoke often, but the cigars I bought will last for a few months, so he should get to them. I made a nice card to. I'm glad I was able to put it all together considering how busy I've been lately. If I don't have school, I'm either commuting, actually working, or sleeping.

Yeah. That's all.
I worked.
He worked.
He, Bobby, and I walked back together.
That's all.

I need to stop putting so much effort into things, because it makes me look like I care way more than apparently is appropriate.
I just need to numb off this day and get ready for tomorrow, since I have to wake up ridiculously/painfully early.

Nerves

2007-02-13T23:43:00.000-08:00

I have this very odd nervousness in my chest right now. I don't know where it came from.
Maybe it was the hot chocolate.
Yeah. I'll say that.

Blissful Thinking

2007-02-13T21:08:00.000-08:00

Today something miraculous happened on the bus home. Well, besides the almost hitting a car ...

But first, some back story.

I smile. I smile a lot. And you might notice walking around town or school or anywhere, that people do not tend to have a smilel instead, the carry a rather blank look on their face. I suppose that facial muscle flexing isn't really natural to carry around all of the time. But I smile. Thinking about Justin, and about friends, and other good stuff in life (like going to Nicaragua, a good cup of coffee, nice people, and the perfect song for the moment) places this goofy smile on my face. And yes, I know that it looks goofy -- I checked.

As I said, you generally don't see someone with that inner smile on them. But I saw someone today. He was on the bus.

It was as though only by looking at him, sitting there alone, you could tell that he was in love. He would close his eyes, and be somewhere else, with someone else. How do I know it was because he as in love? Well, I suppose that comes down to a bit of a spectulation. But the thing is, when you wear the same smile everyday, it becomes very recognizable.

A Jar

2007-02-12T19:15:00.000-08:00

I was a baker unit (bike) at the UCPD for the first time in a long time today. There was an interesting call of a guy punching his girlfriend. We were all trying to find him, but it was a UC that ended up doing so. I got to the scene as they were briefing the guy and girl at separate ends of a stairwell outside. They ended up handcuffing him, and taking him away, all the while with him yelling "help me baby" and other things like that. Dude. She's the one that wanted to press charges... and she's crying. She hates you. Just shut up and get in the car.

I suppose that was the most exciting thing to happen, but the 4 hours went by really fast. I met Justin after his last class and rode with him back to his apartment.

Working today brought out a lot of different emotions (I know, I know, that's lame... damn girly moments). I really enjoy it, and wish that I had stayed to pursue become a supervisor. I didn't though, because I thought that it would jeopardize my chance of staying here over the summer. I had to find something "productive" by my parents' standards to justify myself staying in LA, and to have them pay for it. So yeah. I think if I would have known that they wouldn't pay for it since I was going to live with Justin, I probably would have stuck with it.

Sometimes it feels like I would like it... to be a supervisor that is. But I don't know... it seems like a few of the people that came to that position don't really enjoy it. Granted, I feel like I would. I don't know. I tend to do things for the benefit of other people, or for the benefit of my relationships with those people. I don't like to think that I made the decision because of my parents... what they said to me was merely a suggestion and a different perspective, and by no means an order. But I did it so that I knew I would be able to spend more time with Justin outside of work, and that it would make things less complicated (although I often wonder if it really did reduce the complexity of things). But then again, if I had become a supe I wouldn't have had the opportunity to do the comic -- something that I really enjoy doing. And I wouldn't have had the opportunity to work for the city -- even with how rather mundane it can be, I've learned a lot, and it's been a good time.

I'm just starting to feel these regrets. They came when I asked Justin about something to do with work. It was personal in the sense that it was info for supes only, but when I asked, I just didn't feel that way. After he said that he didn't feel comfortable telling me, then it hit me -- oh yes, that's something not for me... and it feels odd to be in that position, looking over to a side that through a variety of different decisions, I could have been on. I'm still getting used to it really, and unfortunately I think I come off as being rather snoopy. I'm really not like that. I just forget that I'm on the outside of that part of his, and many of my friends' actually, lives.

It's odd, because as satisfied as I am with my position in life right now, it's little moments like that that get me flipped around. I don't regret things. That's not like me. Yet my mind, when encountered with a particular, minute situation, goes through a moment of deep regret. I try not to let it get to me. Would I be happier if I had made a different decision? Maybe. Probably not by much though. And maybe not. Am I happy now? Yes. So what's the big deal?

I think it happened when I had asked Justin if he thought that I had a chance if I applied for supervisor next year. I was looking for an honest answer, and he gave me one: no.

I guess it was just knowing that I closed a door, even if it was by opening another.

Bipolar

2007-02-10T21:24:00.000-08:00

Justin an I joke about me being bipolar. He says he likes it because even if I'm sad or angry, he knows that "happiness is just around the corner."

It's weird, because sometimes I think I'm borderline bipolar. I'll be super happy one minute, and then just crash. And the back up again. Oh well. I guess it makes life more of an adventure.

Whatever makes Justin happy. :-)

UnBookmarked

2007-02-10T16:45:00.000-08:00

I'm on Justin's computer right now. He just left for work a little while ago, and I'm just hanging out in his apartment. I was going to click a link on his bookmark bar that he has for this blog, but it's not there anymore. I guess he got rid of it. That's probably my fault, and anyway, I'm sure he doesn't have to read what I do, only to have me tell him about it later. I suppose for the sake of maintaining conversation ... and why the hell should he read my depressing, ambiguous entries?

Yeah, looking at the last couple of entries, I've gotten a little emo. I've just been in these weird moods recently where I get really upset. I'm trying to make them go away ... it's nice to write down how I feel, given I don't really have anybody to talk to about how I'm feeling sometimes. Sometimes all of these thoughts come at me at once, and the emotions they foster compound each other. Oh well. I'm pretty much over all of it. I think I just need to funnel then negative energy into drawings or paintings... or even yoga.... those always relax me.

Can't wait to see Justin tonight. I hope I find some alone time with him ... I haven't been able to get that with him for awhile, and I just really need it right now.

.

2007-02-10T02:14:00.000-08:00

I feel shitty.
I really do.
I feel sad from the inside.
It hurts.
And I miss you.

Some glad morning when this life is o'er
I'll fly away.

Forward Pass

2007-02-10T02:06:00.000-08:00

I'm just so frustrated right now. I'm so tired of it all. It has all become slightly overwhelming. Ok. Very overwhelming. I just want to know my place. Yeah. Good job. Yeah. Cry. Great. This is just great. Maybe I shoudn't be listening to "You are My Sunshine." That song always got to me... since a car ride what seems like so long ago now.

I hate this. I want to go back because I don't feel as hell that I'm moving forward.

I bought limes and everything.

The New Hate

2007-02-09T13:10:00.000-08:00

I've decided that I hate people who are adorably, publicly in love.
I have my reasons.

The Animation Show

2007-02-09T00:42:00.000-08:00

I saw "The Animation Show" with Dianne and Justin last night. It's been kind of a tradition for Dianne and I... tradition meaning we did it our freshman year, and then this year. The festival was actually cancelled for whatever reason last year, so that didn't count. It was really fun. They had set up a very large screen in Royce Hall, and the cartoons were better than last year's in my opinion (which is a very valuable opinion indeed). When we got inside Royce, Dianne and I headed straight for the merch table. Yeah, we like merch. She bought the DVD boxset of last years festival (the 2nd one) and the 1st Festival. With it, she got a free poster. She could either choose from this year's or last year's and asked me which one she should choose. I said that I couldn't make that decision for her, but that I knew that only 400 copies of last year's poster were ever printed, and I'm sure they printed much more for this year's. She got this year's. Anyways, the merch girls at the table were so impressed by my random trivia knowledge that they gave me last year's poster. I had told them that I had been looking at the website on-and-off again for months debating on whether or not I should buy the damn poster (because it cost $20... it's quite large though), and that they had made me quite happy.

When we sat down Dianne and I were talking about last year's festival, which we had seen at the Nuart Theatre. I guess the audience had simply outgrown that theatre. We talked about how we had met Don Hertzfeldt and this australian guy who did this awesom e claymation and whose name I can't remember....ah yes, I quick google search of "Ward 13" (the title) produced the name "Peter Cornwell." You can see his cartoon here. It was most definitely one of my favourites from last year. And then Dianne started talking about how we saw the movie Primer. There, we had met the guys who made the film and starred in it. She started talking about how cute, how hot, etc. the guys were, and started asking me if I agreed. "Weren't they hot? Yeah, remember the guy with brown hair, how hot he was?" Wtf was she expecting me to say with Justin right next to me? All I could mutter out was a "Well, I don't really remember how they looked like... I guess... they were just like.... standard white guys I guess." And yes, although they were quite attractive, I'm not going to go off about it in front of Justin. Please, some courtesy would be appreciated.

It was kind of sad being in a big venue. The closest we got to Don Hertzfeldt and mike Judge was seeing their face on the screen giving a generalized, and I'm sure slighty scripted, greeting. I felt betrayed. Last year, I could have a conversation with them. Well, not Mike Judge... but he did stand 10 feet away from me! I like small theatres because they are so much more intimate... you kind of lose that in a place like Royce. And I suppose with the growing success of the festival, it'll just mean less contact with artists and higher ticket prices.

The line-up was really good. Nothing that I didn't like. The last film had a heavy british accent attached to it, so it made it difficult to understand at times, but I still ilked the animation.

"Rabbit" by Run Wrake
"City Paradise" by Gaelle Denis
"Everything Will Be Ok" by Don Hertfeldt
"Collision" by Max Hattler
"9" by Shane Acker (A UCLA grad)
"No Room for Gerold" by Daniel Nocke
"Guide Dog" by Bill Pympton
"Eaux Forte" by Remi Chaye
"Overtime" by Oury Atlan
"Game Over" by Pes
"Dreams and Desires" by Joanna Quinn

I would say my favourites would have to be .... Jesus, I liked so many of them. it hard to say. Probably Rabbit, Everything Will Be Ok, and Guidedog. I don't know. They all had something really special about them. It's hard to compare really different types of animation. Anyways, if you have a chance to catch it this year... well, I guess you can just see the cartoon here, so that doesn't really make that much sense, but don't rely on my for next year! See it!

FBQ

2007-02-07T10:58:00.000-08:00

So I woke up nice and early for my interview for the Filed Biology Quarter in Nicaragua. My interivew was at 930am, so I got up at 8am. Had breakfast, chilled out, did some studying, and left right at 9am. Before I left I checked my email to everify the interview room. It was 3210. I also wanted to see if I recognized any of the names that were listed during my interivew time. Oh! Angie was there! Neat-o! At 9:30am! Hey, .... wait... where's my name?! Oh no! My interivew is... NOW! FUCK!

So I called the Ecology Dept, and they really didn't seem to care. They just told me to come down and they'd work it out. So I speedwalk my heart down there, and they don't even notice that I'm late. Good start then.

It got better. I walked in, and there was the standard set of introductions between myself and the professors, as well as a lame joke to break any tension: The older professor said, "Well, did you make a doctors appointment?" He was referring to their PhDs, but it confused me slightly.

We sat down, and they said, "Well Susanne, to be honest, we think your application is extremely strong, and w would like you to come to Nicaragua with us."

I thought this was supposed to be an interview. Haha.

The rest of the 20 minutes was us just talking. Sweet. I'm glad they liked me.

So yes, I'm going to the most diverse low-land rainforest in the world for 3 weeks... only 15 people, and the world in front of us.

Dinosaur Bones

2007-02-04T00:46:00.000-08:00

On Thursday, I was surrounded by crazy people at the bus stop, coming home from work. There was a man who could not stop saying, "Yo. I knew it was Joe by the way he walked. When I saw that walk, I was like 'I know that walk. That's Joe's walk. Hey, remember when I knew that was Joe, by the way he walked? I know that walk. That's Joes walk. Hey Joe, I knew it was you by your walk. You got that walk. I knew it was you..... etc etc"

And then this woman next to me began laughing histerically. So I moved closer. I don't know why. I wanted to hear her say other crazy things. And then at one point, she yelled, "THE SOUNDS OF A MILLION DINOSAUR BONES CLANKING TOGETHER! I WISH I HAD A RECORDER! OH YOGI, I AM YOUR BEARER!" and then laughed. She laughed at me, and asked if I got it. That's when I moved away. Luckily, the bus came.

Teabagged

2007-01-31T18:16:00.000-08:00

I nearly flipped a shit today.
I had chem lab. We actually did this pretty neat experiment where we extracted caffiene from tea. It was a group project, meaning that we had partners. It is a 3 day lab, with today being the second day. Last Friday was the first.

It started Friday. The first thing you do is brew tea. You have to bring the water to a boil, which takes forever on the tuff hot plates we use, and then soak the tea for 10 minutes, and then repeat the whole process. After the tea soaks you have to gently squeeze out the moisture in the bag, without ripping the bag. If you do, you have to start over. I didn'r rip it... she did. So that as the beginning. But in the end, it turned out ok; we were just behindeveryone else by about 15 minutes.

Today we had to finish up what we didn't have time to do that day. It was a series of boilings, evaporations, adding things, decanting, evaporating, etc. etc. In the end, you have to finish by evaporating acetone from the caffiene product. We were maybe 1 minute away from finishing... when she spilled it.

But you know what. I had looked over and anticipated that she was going to spill it. I knew it, I and put my hand out and caught the beaker the moment in fell over, so only about half fell out.

Oh, I didn't talk to her for the rest of the lab period.

And I don't even want to talk about the second half of the lab period. Let's just say that I hate melting points.

Word Processing

2007-01-30T17:24:00.000-08:00

I've realized that I have begun to place more emphasis on words than on the picture itself ... the "big picture," if you will. I'm going to try to stop this.

Words are limitations; they have concrete meanings. So why push to use words to describe something that is beyond them? That you always want to feel is beyond them? I'm just going to let everything flow as it is, and let the words find their natural place and the time that it is right.

And anyways, they are so much better when they happen unexpectedly.

Oh to be a "Someone"

2007-01-29T15:43:00.000-08:00

I'm studying in Keckhoff Hall right now. Justin and I were here earlier. The table we were sitting at did not have adequate outlet access, but it was the only place where the two of us could sit together. After he left, I decided that I would move to a table by an electrical outlet. There was one seat availble at a table where one girl was already sitting. I walked on over there... and you know, I got the feeling like she was the type of person to get bitchy. I really did. And I in face called it. I put my things on the table, and she looked up and said, "someone is actually going to be sitting there, " giving me this smirk face.

I wanted to say, "When? Like, ever? Or like now, when I sit in it?"
But I didn't. I always ask myself why I don't say these beautiful things.

So I moved elsewhere. I had to get to an outlet, so I seeing as there were no tables available, I opted for a lounge chair. Comfortable though it may be, I really wanted a table.

I watched the table where she sat. In fact, no one came. For and hour. Then she left. Maybe it was her imaginary friend.

I hate people.

Procrastination Pedigrees

2007-01-29T01:47:00.000-08:00

I have a midterm tomorrow at 5pm. Much of it is going to be easy, some of it might be a little challenging. Not so much because of the material.... more because I have barely studied for it. I just need to do more problems. I have about andother 1/2 hour tonight before I sleep, and then I'll wake up nice and early tomorrow. Whatever, it's genetics. Easy stuff right now.

Sometimes i really wonder what I do with my time.
Ok, I'm going to give msyelf credit. i did in fact do a lot of important things this weekend. I caught up... kind of... on a lot of reading. Excuses, excuses.

Hardwork often pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now.

Naggermeister

2007-01-27T13:18:00.000-08:00

I ran into Peter earlier this week, and we talked for about an hour. We talked about video games and we talked about school. He told me that his gf Alex and he always try to remind each other that they have work to do. They look out for each other. Because they care. They each care about the other succeeding and doing well.

Well. I tried that with Justin today. I got a defensive reply about how I shouldn't tell him what to do, and that I should stop "nagging." That's when I left his apartment. Oh, the only reason I left was because I didn't want to get mad at Justin in front of Bobby. I just *care* that's all. ok? It seems like everytime I've called him at his apartment in the last two week he's been playing video games. And when he's not playing videogames at his apartment, he's been working Frank 1 or Robert 1. I know it's his life, but I just care. I care about the fact that he's not doing his work, and that he doesn't know when his midterms are.... I just do. And I'm not the only one.

So forget it. He can do whatever the fuck he wants, because I'm not his keeper. I just thought we were at the point where we can give eachother non-aggressive reminders, and encouragement. I guess I was wrong.

Fun Police

2007-01-26T19:16:00.000-08:00

I think that the whole world is against me having fun tonight.

1.) Justin and Bobby decided to go to Peter's to play some osr tof fo super-smash-something-deluxe sort of game --- without telling me. You know, I totally understand that guys need to hang out with each other sometimes, but it would have been nice to get a call... especially in return to my calls .... so that I could have tried to plan something else.

2.) Movie? Sure! It's Oscar time and all of tmy facourite movies which my friends say without me are back in theatres again! Time to catch up! All of the movies that I wanted to see however, were not playing after 530pm. I didn't even allow transportation to be an issue. Pasadena? Sure!

3.) Music. Yeah. That became more of a transportation issue, coupled with the fear of having someone unexpected see me alone... at a concert.

4.) Um. I should have signed up for a shift tonight.

Well, at least my Batmand novels came in today. I already ready one. I'm going to read the sequel now I suppose. And I might as well practice music or something... and paint. Whatever. Low Key night.

30-min Smoothie

2007-01-23T16:09:00.000-08:00

Today it was hot. I craved Jamba Juice for about half the day... or a smoothie in general. Here Downtown, we don't have a Jamba Juice -- we have a Robek's (which I think is so much better anyways). There just happened to be a nutritional guide/menu on my desk when I came into work this afternoon, so I cracked it open to try and decide what I wanted.

I knew I wanted something with yogurt in it, that offered the least amount of calories and the most nutrition. So I looked at the menu. Some of the smoothies that interested me where only available in 24 and 32 oz servings. I debated getting a 24oz serving, just to get the smoothie that I wanted, but no... the extra calories! It was unnecessary since I had already had a sandwich and carrots for lunch to get something that was the caloric equivalent of a meal (~400 cal). Plus, I really can't drink that much of the same thing... except if it's beer. Yeah, I can drink a lot of beer.

I think I spent a total time of about half-an-hour debating, and then I decided. I would head down to Robek's and get myself their Pomegranate Passion.

Instead I went to Carl's Junior and got myself a mint-chip milkshake... that has whipped cream on it. I really wanted ice cream. Oh, Susanne.

Do You Believe in Magic?

2007-01-23T00:13:00.000-08:00

Justin really needs to stop calling me the second before I push "publish" after I write an extensive entry bitching about him in someway, and somehow completely going against what I wrote about, and THUS placing me in the position to not publish something that holds untruths.

Today, I read an article in the New York TImes about people's beliefs in magic. It was really interesting. Might as well give you the link:

here

It attempted to bring light to superstition, and that although we are able, from as early as age 3 years, to differentiate between reality and mysticism, we still hold such "irrational" values towards magic. It is brought up that we as humans overestimate our abilities to control things with our minds (an example would be: focusing your energy on your home team winning the game, only to have them lose, and feeling as though you are somehow responsible for their loss to some extent). And it is because we are constantly so exposed to our own thoughts that they are most prominent to us, and thus we overestimate our mind's connection to the outside world. The article goes on to talk about some of the evolutionary and social implications such beliefs have on individuals and society. By overestimating our abilities to control our world with our wishes, we have a more optimistic view towards life. It was actually a really interesting read.

And somehow, I too often find myself taking coincidence for more than what it is. To me, it can be taken as a "sign." I don't know why I believe in those things, but sometimes... well... simply put .... it's fun. And eerie. When such things happen enough, we begin to wonder what the hell is really going on, because the probabilities of simulataneous occurances seems so small.

It's silly, but the fact that Justin called at that very moment ... when he did, I knew it was him before I even started to reach for my phone across my desk; it had to be. What other person could call and make the moment so ... so perfectly cyclical in nature? I find the whole "optimism" thing to be pretty true. What can I say? It made me not care about stupid things. That in fact represent quite a deal of what I ever want out of life.

Success.

Taxonomy

2007-01-22T17:48:00.000-08:00

I've realized that whenever I think about Natural History Museums, the first thing that comes to mind is a stuffed badger. You know, they always have the still-life exhibits behind glass with the fake plants, stuffed animals, and poorly rendered background painting. I always liked those things. Why a badger? I still don't really know. I think it's because at every exhibit there is a guaranteed badger.

Just try to prove me wrong.

Monthiversaries (A Commentative Reflection)

2007-01-21T22:42:00.000-08:00

You know what I hate?
Monthiversaries.
Wtf are those ABOUT?

This girl at the police deptartment sent out an email over the list-serve asking to get a shift covered. It went something like this: "Hi guys, I'm not going to be in town on Sunday, it's my monthiversary with my boyfriend, so I'd really appreciate it if you guys would help me out with my shifts (of which I have two)."

And then, when nobody was repsonding the way she would have like them to, she sent out another email, as such:
"PLEASE GUYS, help me out. It's my monthiversary (11 months), and it's be great if I didn't have to freak out about two shifts."

And I guess people still weren't repsonsive enough, so again:
"Please!! I only need UNEX West covered this Sunday, 1200-1815. It's my Monthiversary!! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE!! It's a chill shift, you can study and make money at the same time... Please help me out guys."

Ok. 11 months? Are you fucking kidding me? What, you guys like celebrate every week together?"
"Oh Joe, I can't believe we made it through another week! It's so amazing! I hope we make it through another so you can buy me dinner and presents even more! Wow. Relationships are hard. They hurt my brains. I mean brain! Ha! That was funny! You see, because I said it plural but hahaha, get it?!"

Seriously. 11 months? I could understand MAYBE 6 months. Hell, Jbell and I didn't celebrate. And a MONTH certainly would never count. i'm pretty sure that even the worst of relationships would make it through a month, because even after the first few dates, a person could feel really hestitant to break up with the other. A 1-year anniversay? Sure. Why not. That's a more significant milestone at least. But what is with the random month? It's like she and her bf are so insecure about the quality and status of their realtionship that they have to celebrate everyday that they didn't break up.

Give me a break.