31 Days

AHHHHHH

GODAMNIT.

I AM SO ANGRY.
AHHHH!!! I really could just scream right now. I can't believe this. I can't believe it. I hate this. I hate this feeling. I'm not in the mood right now. I don't know what to feel so I'm making the decision? Or is it natural? To feel angry instead. I don't want to evaluate anymore. I don't want to be sad right now. Hell, fuck it. I don't even want to be happy right now. I WANT to be angry. I just want to sit here. I just want to leave. I don't want to be at this desk. I don't want to type on this dirty keyboard of hers. I don't even know who you are. No one does. Your a looooser. Yes. Yes you are. A And people agree. So there.

AND AHHHH!!! I don't know what I'm doing. Everything is a mess. And I just need to vent. And you. You're the one I'm used to. You listened to all of my stupid problems, and gave me a shoulder. And I'm not sure if it's there anymore. And I'm sorry I'm being emo, but 31 days has happened, and now I'm getting that feeling that I hate, but that's ok, we're allowed to feel this way, but only when no one else is in the room (which is rare and which is now) so I might as well take advantage of it.

And fuck, sometimes I don't know. And I'll be sitting in class, and the board goes blank, the room goes blank, and I'll I want to do is regret. And sit there, and mope. And I never show this sort of thing, but I want to right now.

And I"m going to continue this in an hour because I have to put on an earth day program. I'm going to go paint me a pot and plant me a flower and continue my rant.

And I'm still expecting a phone call.

*****

Ok well, I'm back. Painting was theraputic until my mom called me to bitch at me. FUCK. Thanks Dad. Thanks for telling her I lent Jay my computer for a couple of days, cause now she's freakin out over nothing. Wow. It's so nice to have all my emotional shit just pile up in one day. I guess it saves me the trouble of worrying about emotion for a month now.

Jesus.

*sigh* I'm just tired of this. I'm happy here, ok? I'm happy godamnit. Haha. Ok, well, maybe not right now.... but overall. In the general sense.

I'm sorry, ok? I'm sorry. I apologize. But there's more to it than that.

I can't rant anymore. It's exhausting me and I have to study. And you're never ever going to read this --- which suprises me, but whatevs. I have to write, write quickly, and I type faster than I can scribble.

And I'm so fucking hungry right now. I really should start eating more. I've just been so busy and overwhelmed with so many things. You'd be mad at me if you knew how infrequently I have a decent meal.