Closed

I'm in that sort of mood again. I hate it. I hate myself. I've seen it before. I'm trying to remember how it was I got out if, and what got me in it in the first place. I think I know why. Hmm.... looking back, it was about a year ago. I was told by someone I cared about that "I embarrassed him." Haha. I just became so uncomfortable being myself. I don't know if this is it. I feel comfortable being myself, but sometimes not WITHIN myself. It's getting difficult.

And just nervousness and exhaustion. I'm really just tired of all of this. Sometimes, I don't know how to say something, and so I just say the first thing that comes to mind... but it's wrong, and it's not what I meant.

I'm doing things wrong; I know that. I'm getting into myself. I'm going to go take a vitamin. Maybe that'll help. let's hope for a placebo effect. hooray for "happy" pills.

All of the same fears are coming out again. And it's funny, because it happened about 2 years ago too. I need to get myself to open up, but i'm having such a hard time. I constantly want to be alone. And when I don't want to be alone, I feel like I'm being needy, since I get the impression that I'm the only one who gets like this. I'm never sure what to think. It's not the same. I knew how things used to go before. I hate this period of uncertainty.

These are my faults. Everyone has them I suppose. I'm still coping with how to deal. I wish I had someone here that I felt comfortable just opening up to. I guess that's my fault for disliking people to easily (I get that from my dad... haha. But we both know that we're almost always correct on our first impression judgements). I think now, a lot of it is about my inability to just open myself up in a conversation. I've hardly ever been able to do that. I'm a closed person, and I've been like that as long as I can remember. When I do open up a bit, I don't like it. I don't like not keeping myself private.

I guess that's just who I am. I just need to deal.