Evilution

I'm coming to terms with that fact that I do horrible things. I do. I'm doing things and I recognize the fact that it's wrong, and I still do it. I do it selfishly. I take something and use it. It's wrong. I'm sorry. It stops. It's just that when you don't allow me to know, I try so hard to find out.

People say I'm a nice person. I am. I'm kind. I'm thoughtful. It's just that I suprise myself sometimes with the things that I think, that I do. I don't really want to talk about it.

Do we change? Am I always going to be like this? I don't want to slip into the same mode.

I'm constantly thinking about everything. So much is going on in my mind right now, and I'm freaking out a little bit. I think I'm complex, but maybe I'm the same simple pattern over and over again.

I try and explain situation outcomes through evolutionary theories. It helps me make sense of things -- but maybe it's really just helping me justify certain actions that I have in response to emotions. And I DO justify them. I do. But then I have this horrible conflict between what I accept as justifiable through a evolutionary sense and what just doesn't make sense in my heart. There's this conflict. Evolutionary time lag maybe. New mediums through which I can express myself.

I've been taking this approach since spring quarter last year. I had a professor.... Jay Phelan.... who wrote a book "Mean Genes," which went off about how we can explain our current behaviors through evolutionary principles. I read part of it. The topic was interesting, but I didn't like the style so much. Too.... everyday person. Sounded childish to me. But it was interesting, and he talked about it in class a bit..... and well, it made sense to me. I'm human.... other people are too. We come from somewhere in the past and things aren't lining up as they should. Anyways, I evaluate my life from the perspective a lot.

It makes more sense than God ever did.... but I think it complicates my life a little bit more.