A Jar

I was a baker unit (bike) at the UCPD for the first time in a long time today. There was an interesting call of a guy punching his girlfriend. We were all trying to find him, but it was a UC that ended up doing so. I got to the scene as they were briefing the guy and girl at separate ends of a stairwell outside. They ended up handcuffing him, and taking him away, all the while with him yelling "help me baby" and other things like that. Dude. She's the one that wanted to press charges... and she's crying. She hates you. Just shut up and get in the car.

I suppose that was the most exciting thing to happen, but the 4 hours went by really fast. I met Justin after his last class and rode with him back to his apartment.

Working today brought out a lot of different emotions (I know, I know, that's lame... damn girly moments). I really enjoy it, and wish that I had stayed to pursue become a supervisor. I didn't though, because I thought that it would jeopardize my chance of staying here over the summer. I had to find something "productive" by my parents' standards to justify myself staying in LA, and to have them pay for it. So yeah. I think if I would have known that they wouldn't pay for it since I was going to live with Justin, I probably would have stuck with it.

Sometimes it feels like I would like it... to be a supervisor that is. But I don't know... it seems like a few of the people that came to that position don't really enjoy it. Granted, I feel like I would. I don't know. I tend to do things for the benefit of other people, or for the benefit of my relationships with those people. I don't like to think that I made the decision because of my parents... what they said to me was merely a suggestion and a different perspective, and by no means an order. But I did it so that I knew I would be able to spend more time with Justin outside of work, and that it would make things less complicated (although I often wonder if it really did reduce the complexity of things). But then again, if I had become a supe I wouldn't have had the opportunity to do the comic -- something that I really enjoy doing. And I wouldn't have had the opportunity to work for the city -- even with how rather mundane it can be, I've learned a lot, and it's been a good time.

I'm just starting to feel these regrets. They came when I asked Justin about something to do with work. It was personal in the sense that it was info for supes only, but when I asked, I just didn't feel that way. After he said that he didn't feel comfortable telling me, then it hit me -- oh yes, that's something not for me... and it feels odd to be in that position, looking over to a side that through a variety of different decisions, I could have been on. I'm still getting used to it really, and unfortunately I think I come off as being rather snoopy. I'm really not like that. I just forget that I'm on the outside of that part of his, and many of my friends' actually, lives.

It's odd, because as satisfied as I am with my position in life right now, it's little moments like that that get me flipped around. I don't regret things. That's not like me. Yet my mind, when encountered with a particular, minute situation, goes through a moment of deep regret. I try not to let it get to me. Would I be happier if I had made a different decision? Maybe. Probably not by much though. And maybe not. Am I happy now? Yes. So what's the big deal?

I think it happened when I had asked Justin if he thought that I had a chance if I applied for supervisor next year. I was looking for an honest answer, and he gave me one: no.

I guess it was just knowing that I closed a door, even if it was by opening another.