One

A lot happens in one year. A lot *has* happened in one year. It is truly amazing how in 365 days my life completely changed – and all from a single decision. Recently, I have been thinking about the impact people have on each other’s lives. People say all of the time that they can’t live without a particular person. But life does in fact move on. People die, and life somehow goes on without them. Love is found, lost, and re-found. What does it mean to love, and what does it mean to die? (This is why I can no longer listen to 50% of “This American Life” episodes without being driven to the verge of tears). I’ve been dealing with this issue a lot recently, and though I’d rather not ever think about it, I constantly am, and of course, now I’m writing about – maybe to help me clear up some thoughts.

I don’t want to deal with Death right now, so let’s move onto Love. I’m certain that the first time I bring myself to deal with Death is when someone I know dies. I guess that’s just my style. Anyways, the two aren’t all that different. They involve loss and gain, and the stages of mourning should be co-labeled as the constant characteristic of Love.

For right now though, Love is the real issue at hand. In the last year, I’ve had the opportunity to open a door to an amazing experience. But of course, we all know that a door had to have been closed before hand … a door that for so long, seemed like it could never close.

I know that it sounds silly and dramatic, but I didn’t know if it was possible to feel the same way about someone, yet alone feel more. I didn’t think about Love, or what it meant, anymore beyond the fact that in my experiences it had been deceiving. What else could Love ever be but infinite? I thought that, and I lived that … but in the end, it wasn’t. Well, that’s a partial lie. It remained. … but it changed form … and it left me with hurt, and it left me to hurt. I didn’t want to deal with it anymore.

To be honest, when I got into a relationship with Justin, Love was not on my mind. Actually, that’s another partial lie. I was thinking about how much it sucked, and how much it ruined things, and hurt people … and how easily it drifted and came back, only to drift away once more to find its place elsewhere. It couldn’t be trusted. Instead, I strove to build a relationship upon interests, fun, honesty and affection. I didn’t want to place myself in a position to be hurt, or to hurt, again.

But things changed when I fell in love. Damnit. -- it got me. You know what though? It works. It works because the effort was made in the very beginning to base the bond upon commonalities, not vested interests. It was more like, “Wow. Being with him is *fun*. He actually *likes* doing the things I like to do,” rather than established as a means to fix a problem, or to do something for the reason that it could be done. It was genuine (it still is), and I think that sets it apart from everything that has failed to succeed. It’s because I wasn’t forcing it, hoping that it would change everything. It all just … happened. Naturally. And that’s when I realized that it is not a day to mark progress that matters – it’s everyday from now on. It’s today. And tomorrow. It’s everyday that we’re together, and everyday that we’re apart. They’re all the same, equally beautiful and worthwhile to experience.

I love him. Genuinely. I really, really do. It’s amazing how uniquely exhilarating it all is.