lock the door next time

so yesterday night, I got drunk. I'll be honest here. I really wanted to have a good time. I went to a party at my friend vicki's apartment where, for a long time, she was the only one I knew -- and I just wanted to socialize. Meet some new people.

I guess it was mostly because I hadn't drank for a long time. That coupled with the fact that I wanted to drink for the same reason, proved to not be a good combination.

And yes, it resulted in my throwing up.
Which is normal. Well, not entirely *abnormal* at least. It happens.

But what was odd for me was that it was the first time that I ever got sad while drunk. I was so happy the entire evening, and then it was like this mask had been lifted off of me, and I just felt very alone, and very sad. And it became so frustrating when everyone wanted to help me... I was fine. I knew how my body was. I was a little dizzy, but I knew I wasn't going to throw up anymore, and I just wanted everyone to leave me the fuck alone so I could do whatever the hell I wanted to do -- whether that meant staying on the bathroom floor for a bit, the whole night, or cleaning myself up at my pace. But instead, I had to have a group of four people coming asking my if I was ok all the time (yes, I'm the fuck ok. will you go now?), and then Adria came in from down the hall, and then said Justin was coming. And really, and that point, he was the last person I wanted to see.

Everyone just kept badgering me, and I didn't understand why they wouldn't just leave me alone, and I kept telling them to go away, because I just wanted to be left alone, and I remember crying a little, and it was as if all these feelings I've had over the last week just exploded out of me. It was terrible. It was beautiful. It was personal, and why the fuck couldn't people just disappear for 15 minutes?

Maybe people thought I wasn't acting/thinking rationally -- but I was. No matter what state I'm in, my mind is always fine. I can hear everything people are saying, I understand what's going on. My thoughts aren't blurred. Hell, I was speaking clearly too. Why couldn't they just leave me alone? That's all I wanted to be.

Everything just made me realize how much sadness and worry still lives within me.