Last One

Too many things in my room are glowing.

1.) computer "sleep" light (white)
2.) computer "charge" light (orange... will turn to green when charged)
3.) cellphone (because it's plugged in to charge)

I swear to God that this combination is lighting my entire room.

My pillow is also uncomfortable. There is an odd, definite difference in texture compared to my sheets.

I also just have so much on my mind.

I've decided that I really hate birthdays. I don't really like getting wished happy birthday. It's awkward to me. I guess it's because I never really had my own birthday parties when I was younger. It just feels out of place for people to care, and having only one birthday a year does not allot me ample time to practice getting better at it. I don't care for birthdays. It feels odd to celebrate myself when there are still parts of me not worth celebrating. I don't want to be selfless and I don't want to be selfish. I don't want to want. I simply should exist. And do. And feel.

And considering I haven't had a good birthday in years, I'm letting it go. Everything would be so much better if it was just like a normal day. Ok. A thoughtful present is always nice, but not required. I think the think I dislike most is this pressure to "do something." To go out, to have dinner, to make myself feel good. I don't want to have to decide to do things when I would just like to sit and relax, or go for a walk. I feel too much pressure to satisfy other people as a consequence of my own indifference.

To be honest, my favorite part of my birthday was coffee and scrabble, and sitting with my parents on the couch as they started falling asleep.